Attachment is holding on very tightly.
Genuine love is union.
But that can often mean that were fostering an unhealthy attachment.
Paolo Raeli
Attachment speaks to trying to keep something in your life from a place of helplessness.
Genuine love is simply just I love you.
So you could see that difference.
It comes from a compassionate place.
Attachment comes from a transactional place.
Attachment is holding on very tightly.
Genuine love is union.
Genuine love is freedom.
We build out our attachment styles from a very young age.
This is one of the first things you learn when you take a psychology course.
Why do I send my heart into the world like this?
Why do I grip or seek attention or validation to make it affirm my worth?
I need you to understand you are so human.
And you dont have to feel shame over that.
Be gentle with yourself.
From a very young age, our culture communicates the idea that happiness is synonymous with possessing things.
And this is why, I think, so many people feel like were missing something.
We develop an obsessive attachment to things, ideas, and people.
We believe that we can give meaning to our lives this way.
When youre attached to somebody, its almost like a drug.
Youre dependent on them to fulfill your happiness.
When theyre gone, youre not content.
If they leave you, you have withdrawal.
And I think we all know that that isnt love.
You make them a priority.
You choose them, you find balance in the relationship.
You genuinely care from a deeply compassionate place.
Attachment makes you feel alone and overwhelmed when you are not with the person you are attached too.
They boost your confidence.
That;s a hard pill to swallow.
We have all been there.
You cant get enough of them.
And so, when you are away from them, it feels disorienting.
This is when problems will start to occur in relationships.
When you are attached you might start to put this person over anyone, especially your friends and family.
You want their undivided attention, you want to build your world around them.
You gave so much of yourself to this person because you thought they completed you.
And in their leaving, you feel incomplete, broken.
Love, on the other hand, makes you miss the person when you are apart from them.
And Im smiling when I say that because I know what that genuinely feels like.
You let it flow through you like rain.
When they arent around, youre not distressed.
You just miss them.
It doesnt consume your thoughts and feelings when you are not with them.
You are getting complimented and supported, and that is all you need from the relationship.
Love is the complete opposite of that.
You want to know everything about them, what they desire, what they dream about being.
You want to see them.
And that is what makes love so much deeper than attachment.
This is really unhealthy behavior, and it shows that you are definitely not in love with them.
You would never give a shot to manipulate them into spending time with you because then it isnt real.
It is a union, and appreciation.
And in doing so, you become a very integral part of their life as well.
As long as they make you feel good, youre happy, and you dont want anything to change.
And within this, you are also restricting that same growth for yourself.
They will also do the same for you.
You will provide support for your partner, and they will do the same for you.
Through loving someone genuinely and compassionately, you will become a better and more loving person yourself.
How do I work on becoming whole on my own, so that I can better show up?
It clings from a place of neediness.
That takes you out of your presence completely.
There are no boundaries there.
You love from a distance, you lay that hope down.
You appreciate what it was without needing to ask it to be more than what it can be.
And that is what love is.
Genuine lovers choose each other each moment.
Again and again, each day that theyre together, they wake up and choose each other.
There is just calm.
You will carry it within you forever.
This love does not make you grip.
You hold it gently.
You are at peace within it.
Genuine love is detached love in the sense that it embraces uncertainty.
It embraces that fact that the only thing we know for sure is that everything is going to change.
It is beautiful and selfless and full of gratitude and appreciation.
Attachment, is overwhelming bouts of anxiety.
It is clinging tightly for fear they might leave.
It is shutting down emotionally instead of opening up.
Attachment is idealizing your relationships instead of seeing them for what they are.
Attachment is feeling like you need more, like your partner is never enough.
Attachment is relying on your partner for your own fulfillment.
Attachment is blaming your partner for your unhappiness.
Attachment is hiding who you truly are, because you are afraid of rejection.
Love on the other hand, is openness and expansiveness.
Love is embracing vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness.
Love is having a strong sense of self worth.
Love is trusting in yourself and the other person.
Love is growing closer to your partner everyday.
Love is empathy, and understanding and forgiveness.
Love is giving, and receiving, unconditionally.
Love is listening without judgement.
Love is communicating even when you would rather walk away.
Love is sharing your feelings openly and honestly.
Love is taking responsibility for your actions.
Love is learning more about yourself through the freedom of your connection, and growing with one another.
Firstly, its important to understand that attachment isnt wrong.
It isnt a dirty word.
And that kind of approach to a relationship, is secure, and that is where genuine love thrives.
Attachment isnt a bad thing.
We are always going to be attached, and dependent it is an evolutionary trait we have inherited.
Yes, independence is necessary to be an individual is important.
But independence is strengthened through dependence.
Its called the dependence paradox.
We need one another.
Do not feel shame for needing someone, or for wanting them close.
We have always been a connected species.
It is so human.
They say that we inherit our attachment style from the ways in which we were cared for as children.
you’re free to blame yourself.
But within this lesson, we learn that it isnt our fault.
These patterns are deeply rooted, and so, all we can do is become more aware of them.
All we can do is acknowledge them, so that we may work towards healing them.
When it comes to attached love, there is often a fear of abandonment.
I think a lot of people can relate to this.
So many of us are terrified of those we care for walking away from us.
That kind of attachment causes you to always be loving from a place of never wanting to lose someone.
It causes anxiety, it causes stress, it can cause you to grip.
When we attach anxiously, or fearfully, we are constantly seeking external validation in love.
We need that person in our lives because they make us feel complete.
And so, because of that, maybe you dont set boundaries in your relationships.
Maybe you stay silent when you really feel like you want to speak.
Maybe you are so scared of being alone, you settle for those who dont actually fulfill you.
Your brain doesnt say Okay, we just werent meant to be!
but rather, it says I am not good enough to be loved.
it’s possible for you to quiet yourself as not to disturb your peace.
You truly do lose yourself, and that is why we say that attached love isnt love.
Because love helps you find yourself.
Love helps you grow yourself.
Love is freedom, genuine love pins hope to your bones and never makes you question yourself.
Attached love is built on the most fragile foundation.
That is not how love should make you feel.
That is not secure.
So how do we reprogram this?
How do we teach ourselves to break these patterns?
Remember you cannot heal what you do not acknowledge.
Or have you been loving them from a place of wanting to keep them in your life?
Do you use people to externally meet your needs?
Explore why that is so.
you better have an understanding of yourself to know its not random.
Attachment traumas happen so early that we think it is our fault.
There is a version of you that is beyond this.
That will find genuine love.
Get in touch with your feelings and your needs on a regular basis.
You dont need it to feel fulfilled, you appreciate it because it adds joy into your life.
You dont always have to meet your needs through your partner.
In secure love, leaning on a partner is an incredible asset.
In insecure love, there is anxiety, because you dont know how to lean on yourself.
You dont want that.
So how do you learn to meet your own needs?
You start with awareness.
Each day, really assess your emotions.
Ask yourself what you need.
When you are feeling sad, what do you need from a place of security and not fear?
When you are feeling exhausted or burnt out, what do you need?
And then figure out a strategy to meet those needs.
What can you give yourself?
What can you do to show up for yourself?
You thought that you needed it so that be okay.
And that changes everything.
Because it helps you to create boundaries.
I cant afford to make any mistakes.
One wrong move and I could jeopardize the entire relationship.
When you learn how to meet your own needs, you dont silence yourself or your communication at all.
You learn how to embrace who you are, because you derive your own worth.
And from there, you approach people differently.
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from Does he or she like me?
to Is this someone I should invest in emotionally?
Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make.
Youll start asking yourself questions like: How much is this person capable of intimacy?
Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?
You wont grip at the first sign of attention.
You wont be afraid.
You will grow in love.
You want to have a lot of ways to really enrich your life outside of the relationship.
Hobbies, a job you love, etc.
You want to double-check youre living your life on purpose.
So ask yourself what are the things outside of this person that make you feel the most you?
What are the things you leap towards, that genuinely make you want to get up in the morning?
Step back into yourself.
This world is the most incredible place.
Live your life with purpose.
Really show up for yourself and who you want to be in this world.
At the end of the day, you deserve to find good love.
You deserve to find secure love.
You deserve to feel like you could be yourself.
You deserve to communicate your needs.
So remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love.
True love, in the evolutionary sense, means calm.
I hope you believe that there is more for you out there.
