The feelings are real, though individually unprecedented, raw and misunderstood.
And youll never forget those firsts no matter how much you may end up desperately wanting to.)
It must be horrifying and upsetting.
Giulia Agostini
Youll become the kind of friends who instant message back and forth for hours on end.
Theres an attraction there but it will take you a while to act on it.
About a year after you meet, youll become something more.
She will become your girlfriend.
You will become her boyfriend.
It will last about one month.
There will be only one date, when your respective parents drop you off at the movie theater.
Youll call it off and ask to be friends again.
It is unclear why you will make this decision.
The specific trigger, if there ever was one, will likely take a while to uncover.
And youll be afraid of what you might find out.
Also, at the time, youll behave like a prick, generally.
It wont be long at all until shes wooed by a dude two years older than you.
Eventually, youll stop making your remarks.
Like you always seem to do.
But youll remain friends.
The whole way through high school.
Youll both go to college.
She and her friends will be coming to this party.
Your butthole will clench a little bit.
Shell walk into the party with some friends from her dorm floor close behind, all scantily clad.
Shell be wearing a red tank top and black leggings, and look absolutely amazing.
At one point youll take a shot of Everclear grain alcohol.
Immediately afterward a friend will show you how it can remove the staining from the coffee table.
Its a good thing she will have passed on it, because she is approximately one-half your size.
Youll tell her that youve missed her.
Your trying not to think about it wont work, will probably make you think about it even more.
Youll go into the kitchen to do a group shot and then go to take a piss.
Shell be waiting for you when you come out of the restroom.
Youll smile at each other.
Youll leave the room together, only to return moments later.
This time shell push you onto the bed.
Youll decide to just live in the moment.
If I am being used, fuck it Im fine with that.
I think, youll think.
What do you think?
(This time John Mayers Your Body is a Wonderland will not be playing in the background.)
Also, this time youll be drunk, which youve recently found really helps with longevity.
While shes on top of you, shell say, Im pretty tired.
I think we should go to bed now.
Shell fall asleep soundly almost immediately, her head resting in the crook of your neck.
Her hair will smell nice.
Youll want to be in bed with her always.
Shell be pretty even when she sleeps.
Youll feel vaguely weird watching her sleep, but will also be too excited to drift off.
My life as I know it may have just changed forever, youll think.
Itll seem melodramatic, and it probably is, but whatever.
Finally, youll pass out.
The next morning you will wake up early and shell walk you downstairs.
Youll kiss goodbye after a brief conversation about seeing her again before you leave the next day.
You will not be as opaque as you think you are.
Youll travel back to school despondent and attempt to distract yourself by focusing on finals.
It wont work too well.
You will not speak of the sex for some time.
When things end with him, finally, she wont be single for long.
Shes a relationship person.
Shell have a boyfriend for most of college, a guy who will become a friend of yours.
Shell even hook you up with some of her friends, and youll take advantage of it.
You wont know if this makes things better or worse for you.
But it feels good physically, and if she wont want you its nice that somebody else will.
Eventually, at a friends wedding, shell bring up the one night together.
Shell tell you you helped liberate her from the high school boyfriend, the guy who took her virginity.
Shell say you made her realize there was more out there.
Youll wonder if youll ever stop wondering why you never told her how you felt.
Shell invite you to the wedding, last minute, but you wont go.
Shell have a kid.
Still, youll wonder.
The only thing that will calm it is going out and doing what she did.
Youll make a run at find a friend first.
Youll take a stab at find more.
When maybe what you once had was already more than enough.
This piece was previously published byPS I Love You.
