How many sparks have you missed because you thought you were incompatible?
We had very little in common: contrasting interests, fields of work, upbringing, lifestyles.
We even spoke different languages.
Photo byAlan QuirvanonUnsplash
We switched back and forth with Google translate just to fully understand each other.
But I had a template flow of interaction that helped megenuinely connect with anyoneIm talking to.
And through this interaction, we realized we actually had a spark.
It didnt show immediately, of course.
Its easier to connect with someone on a date and have an amazing time when the interaction flows acertainway.
In the past, I wouldve simply made a graceful exit.
Or, since shes pretty attractive, I wouldve asked for her phone number.
Instead, I switched locations.
So, have you tried this restaurant in Upper Session?
The one with the live band at 6?
Not yet, she said.
I looked at her, shocked.
They have the best sisig in town.
The best, huh?
And one of their bands plays cultural music.
Would you like to see it together?
In my experience, going from one location to another when done well significantly increases the feeling of closeness.
Like those cliche movie lines;
I feel like Ive known you forever.
Even if weve just met.
The closer you feel, the more at ease you become.
And your best selves come out more naturally.
Now, I dont always go to 3 different locations during a date.
It depends on how the date is going.
But I always have a 3-location-plan ready.
Location 1: Introduction
Someplace we can have an easy conversation.
Preferably somewhere cheap and serves alcohol.
Like a laid-back bar or a late-night cafe.
The getting-to-know and getting-comfortable phases happen here.
But dont ask the usual questions.
Probe on Conversation Themes instead (see below).
I also perform one or two Games here for fun (also see below).
Location 2: Movement
In one of our conversations, she mentioned she never liked wine.
I asked the key in of wines shes tasted.
And though she couldnt remember their names, I realized which kind may or may not suit her tastes.
So youre into dark and pure brews with coffee and beer.
But youre a sweet tooth with everything else?
I especially like sweet or fruity flavors, she said.
I think I know exactly the kind of wine for you.
Would you like to give it a try?
They have it here?
But we can buy it at a store.
And theres this spot where you’ve got the option to see the mountain lights.
We can stroll over and drink it there.
The idea is to give your bodies the opportunity to communicate.
It givescontrastto the date.
And movement helps you feel each others vibe better.
Connecting with someone isnt limited to talking.
Ive experienced a date where we conversed non-stop for hours, jumping from one cafe to the next.
And thats fine if youre enjoying it.
Thats also why I dont recommend the usual date idea stuff like hiking, biking, etc.
unless yourebothhardcore mountaineers/bikers or youve gone out on more than 6 dates.
These things focus too much on the activity, not on your dynamic together.
We may have done an awkward dance number on the streets too.
But we were laughing too hard, so I doubt it looked anything like dancing.
We reached the mountain lights spot and we opened the wine.
We drank with paper cups bought from a nearby 711.
Just as I hoped, she liked it.
The spot is pretty quiet, but with just enough lights to give it a safe and serene atmosphere.
It was a great space to talk about intimate and important things.
Then we shared our first kiss.
Years ago, I used to have a memorized list of conversation topics.
I used it when the small talk is getting tedious.
But they made me focus too much on what I memorized.
And itstrying too hard.
So I focused on Topic Themes instead.
Id usually go for:
a.
But not much whenreallygetting to know the person.
Instead, probe how or why they choose to do their work or hobbies.
have a go at see where their drive and desire are coming from.
And engage them there.
What exhilarates your date dont make the date too serious.
Probe at fun things too.
My usual go-to is music.
Most people are passionate about certain music.
When the time is right, Id ask my date for her top guilty-pleasure song.
And wed listen to it together.
(I often bring my earphone splitter).
This leads to swapping weird but great music.
Its a great way to know the persons vibe.
Never underestimate the activities you did for fun at age 10.
They just might brighten your dates now.
Think of Games as an add-on to your conversation.
Like intermissions or bridges to deeper connection.
), or even increase physical intimacy.
I especially love the 5 Questions Bet.
Its more fun that way.
Your date:Okay.
You:Have you heard of the 5 Questions Bet?
I ask you 5 questions: You answer all of themincorrectly and you win.
If you answer even one question correctly, you lose.
The questions are pretty simple.
Your date:No, I havent!
And you have to make your answer asincorrect and surrealas possible.
So we know its wrong.
If its close to the truth, you still lose.
Your date:Sure!
First question, whats your name?
Your date:Donald Trump.
What city are we in?
Your date:Rome
You:Doing well!
Whats the name of this cafe (or bar, resto, whatever)?
Your date:Starbucks.
You:Youre pretty good at this!
(Pause for a bit, look down, touch your face, and look a bit confused).
Wait, how many questions have I asked already?
Your date:(If they answer three or even four you win.
Youve played this game before, havent you?
Your date:No!
Thanks for the drink.
Its an old game I got from Neil Strauss, a NY Times best-selling author.
Some people might say his work ondating is toxic.
But they hold lots of material you might use to make your date more fun.
Youll have to practice this kind of stuff first though.
If you forget certain steps, youll just ruin them.
So try it on your friends first.
you’re free to also play personality-based card games.
Like Never Have I Ever.
You dont even need to bring an actual deck of cards.
Just download an app.
Though Id recommend these on the 2nd or 3rd dates when youve established more trust and rapport.
So it’s possible for you to play it honestly.
Which makes it more fun and, in my experience, hilariously shocking.
My last girlfriend and I were very different people.
But with the template above, I learned we were actually in the same phase in life.
She had just quit her job to travel abroad.
And I had just quit my job to move to a different city.
We both uprooted ourselves to go after what we want.
In my experience,being in the same phase in lifeaffects a relationship more than we think.
Dating involves luck, sure.
But it relies more on the people doing it.
We can always direct our experiences.
This article was originally published onPS I Love You.
