At least with someone you were in a relationship with, you were there.
And that vision cant ever come to fruition because he doesnt want it to.
And you dont get it.
Eduardo Dutra
We met through an online dating site and exchanged lengthy messages for about a month.
We finally took it to the next level and spoke on the phone.
And our first phone call was six hours!
Im that person who is always plotting my escape from a conversation.
But not in this case, I genuinely enjoyed talking to him and finding out all about him.
We had another date set for a few days later and I was actually excited.
Our next phone conversation also went well, but maybe wasnt as electric.
This time I felt like something was a little off, but I brushed it aside.
I immediately clicked it open and here is what it said (This is an actual copy-paste job!
Youre an awesome person who I definitely connect with but I think its more on a friendship level.
All the best and enjoy Italy!
I literally lose the ability to speak.
I mean …what????
You like me as a friend??
You dont think were a match??
You havent even met me yet!
At least meet me and then dump me!
This all just seemed so discourteous.
Am I so bad that I cant even get a guy to date me before dumping me?
And how did I not see this coming?
I was ready to pack my bags and head to the sunshine state … and he was just likenah?
None of this makes sense.
I also felt kind of like an idiot for feeling that way.
I didnt even know this guy.
For all I knew, I was being catfished and he doesnt even exist.
Why was I so upset about this?
Its sad and it hurts and you have to deal with it almost like you would an actual breakup.
I have a theory that dating is much harder for people who never like anyone.
Im the kind of person who is either all in or all out.
There is no, Hmm, this guy is OK.
I dont really know how I feel so Ill give it more time.
I always know how I feel.
How do we get over these kinds of relationships?
How do we move on with grace and dignity, rather than feeling insecure and full of self-loathing?
Here is how:
1.
Realize potential always looks prettier than reality
Whatever visions you have in your mind are just fantasies.
The right guy for you is a guy whowants to be with you.
He will do whatever it takes.
He wont just give you some flimsy reason as to why he doesnt want to see you anymore.
You are investing in a fantasy, and you have to see it for what it is.
When a guy leaves you before even really getting to know you, feel grateful.
And thats a good thing!
Not everyone is a match.
I know it feels personal.
It feels like something must be wrong with you.
In my case, my issue was maybe Im not sexy enough on the phone.
Maybe Im a little too friendly, maybe I needed to hold back more.
All of this is so ridiculous because none of it matters with the right guy.
If you have to measure your words and affect so much, then hes not for you!
Sometimes youll have the clarity, sometimes he will.
And in an ideal world, both of you will see it and will part amicably.
But unfortunately, love isnt always so kind or fair.
Ifhe doesnt like you, nothing you say will change his mind.
Thats not how love and attraction work.
But you better trust that all it means is he isnt right for you.
And thats a good thing!
How are you supposed to forget about anyone when the means of stalking are so endless?
But you must be strong.
you’re gonna wanna get both physical and emotional distance.
The more you think about him, the worse youll feel about yourself.
Thats just how it goes.
Hes a guy that you want and who doesnt want you and hence, you are unworthy.
Your mind will always go in that sad direction, so dont let it!
Traveling can be incredibly therapeutic.
Maybe he represents salvation to you- hes saving you from a life of being single and alone.
Maybe he has certain qualities you want- he has it together, hes cool and confident.
Either way, you see him as a source of salvation and this isnt healthy.
So do a deep dive.
So if you must think about him at all, think about that stuff.
Dont look back with rose-colored glasses.
The trip couldnt have been better timing (see step #3).
I went to Italy for two weeks and had the time of my life.
And weve been married for 7 years now!
Wallowing and moping wont serve you.
But you also need to try and stay as positive as you’re able to.
Adopting an attitude of, All men suck.
It will only make you miserable and suck all the joy out of your life.
When you have a thought like this, notice the thought.
Then ask yourself: Does this thought serve me well?
Is it taking me where I want to go?
So shift your focus in a more positive direction.
Think about something that makes you happy or gets you excited or hopeful.
Dont punish yourself for someone elses decisions or mistakes or stupidity.
All his rejection means is hes not the right guy for you.
(See my article onDamage Casesfor more on that!)
So do what makes you happy.
Exercise, spend time with friends, travel, take up a new hobby.
Focus on being your best self, rather than wallowing, which will only make you your worst self.
