Its almost too obvious.
But at first I didnt know that this was the problem.
I didnt even know the problem could be named.
I just felt wrong.
Then, I thought the answer was transformation.
The problem must be that my body was wrong.
I could fix it by losing weight.
So I spent a lot of time struggling with that.
People who know more than me told me I was wrong about this for a long time.
My life experience also told me I was wrong about this, for a much longer period of time.
I dont know if Im convinced weight loss isnt the answer, its a hard belief to give up.
And I want to be good.
But I also want to make progress.
So Ive worked on my willingness to let go.
I am trying to love my imperfect self today, not tomorrow, for one day at a time.
The problem isnt transformation.
The problem is learning to love what already (imperfectly) exists.
I did learn how, slowly.
I had a good therapist and I was diligent about going to groups and reading books and journaling.
It felt like it wasnt working for a year and I kept doing it.
Eventually I changed a little.
I learned about cognitive distortions.
I learned ways to be more gentle with myself.
Another year came and went and suddenly I noticed I was on different footing.
I could see that I am starting to hold my own against my monkey brain.
In a weird way I leaned back into celebrities.
If I couldnt find role models in my real life then I was going to find them on YouTube.
And then I decided maybe we were just the same species of human.
We just have a hard time letting go.
I just have a hard time letting go.
I wonder if maybe my parents just didnt prepare me for failure.
I didnt learn about diversity in the sense that people in any community have different gifts.
The body has a head and a heart and a soul.
My sensitivity makes some situations more difficult than they are for the average person.
Im never going to be a killer.
But I can make magic with my mind.
And I can live with that tradeoff.
I started to express more gratitude about the things I liked.
She already expressed awe and appreciation for the outdoors with more literary talent than I ever will.
So I dont have anything to be embarrassed about.
If Stevie Nicks can be Stevie Nicks, why cant you be who you are supposed to be?
There was no roadmap for her.
She was just a girl in a band who became an icon.
I know Im not a performer and I know my home is not the stage.
But I love the way Stevie is just Stevie.
She is so powerful in the way she believes in herself.
It helps me love me too.
I have words and a shoulder to cry on, thats not nothing.
