The quality of your life is directly dependent on your ability to pay attention.
My back was facing the door but I heard my mom walk in.
She just got back from the grocery store and excitedly opened the freezer.
Photo byPriscilla Du PreezonUnsplash
Molly, look, I got you something!
She held up a bag of frozen mangoes and waited for my reaction.
I seemed confused, so she went on to explain herself.
You know, for your smoothies.
You always freeze your mangoes after you cut them.
Uh… okay, Mom, thanks.
I was dismissive and didnt meet her with the same enthusiasm she gave me.
I finished making my sandwich and got on with my day.
Shoot, Im such a jerk.
My totally well-intentioned and very loving mother.
Was it about the mangoes?
Is it ever about the mangoes?
Is it ever about the flat tire?
We can either make people feel brilliant or like total idiots in our presence.
It comes down to one thing and one thing only:Our reception.
How we receive the ones we love and that love us.
What do I mean?
Like TV reception, receiving a delivery package?
Receptionis how we acknowledge others when they offer us their vulnerability.
Its all a feedback loop.
Chances are, you may not know you have bad reception skills until its too late.
Thats happened to me.
We like to have places to put our loveit needs to be received by something, someone.
Its an energy exchange.
Theres a disruption and it can lead to disconnection.
She paid attention to what was important to me.
3.She came home and excitedly offered them to me, vulnerably putting her heart on display.
Which I took a crap on.
Thatis how you make people feel bad in your presence.
When you dont receive them fully, you train them to stop showing up for your relationship.
When you do something thoughtful and are met with Uh, thanks.
Id imagine it doesnt feel great.
The question begs, would you really feel inclined to do anything thoughtful again?
I actually know not being well-received doesnt feel great because Ive been in her shoes.
And yet I still dropped the ball.
Renee van der Vloot, well-regarded psychotherapist and Human Givens practitioner describes both our Primary Needs and Higher Needs.
Givingandreceiving attention is included in one of our Higher Needs.
The quality of your life is directly dependent on your ability to pay attention.
Giving attention is just as important as receiving it.
People need each other for the exchange of attention.
you’re gonna wanna be mutually present for this to be an emotionally nourishing act.
Be Present
The problem with the frozen mango incident was that I was busy making my sandwich.
It was midday and I was thinking about work and everything I had to do later.
When my Mom was trying to get my attention, I wasnt actually present or clicked into our connection.
I honestly couldnt really be bothered.
This happens in relationships a lot.
Over time, it may erode trust.
AsReneeput so well, your attention is your biggest superpower.
We only have a finite amount and it is the best thing you could give in your relationship.
Id even go as far to argueits all we really want.
Present, focused, exquisite attention when were with the people we care about.
Being human is really vulnerable.
Being connected to each other is really vulnerable.
Offering yourself, showing up for a relationship, and choosing someone is really vulnerable.
Were all just fumbling around hoping for the best.
Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesnt.
Or an acknowledgment that she received the said thing, or Hey just seeing this!
I will let you know if I need anything else!
Dont treat people in your life like transactions.
Its not that hard.
Its worth 30 seconds of your time to acknowledge someone when theyve done something for you.
People become eager to be of service and help out in return another time.
That does beg the question: Why dont we always receive people well?
Why do we gloss them over?
Being on the receiving end can be a vulnerable position too.
Its all intimacy thats generated and being built.
Its the human experience of connection.
It may take some mindset and inner-belief shifts to feel deserving of it.
We dont set proper boundaries.
Or we dont want the level of depth and intimacy that others want to give us.
Whatever the case, ignoring your behavior can cause harm to those that youre connected to.
Be clear about your intentions.
