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Updated 8 months ago,September 14, 2024
Heres what ruins relationships more than anything else.
Relationships are fraught with anxiety in this day and age, and its no surprise why.
While yes, its tough, its not impossible.
Tim Gouw
Thats the real problem no one really addresses.
We do it to ourselves.
And I fully relate to all of it because I used to be the same way!
Dating is no longer fun and enjoyable, its miserable and makes you sick with fears and doubts.
Potential is a beautiful thing, reality is less fun.
Like when I get ideas for amazing articles, thats fun!
Lets talk about how stressing screws up your love life and how to keep your relationship anxieties under control.
Weve all heard the toll it takes on our physical appearance and emotional wellbeing.
Stress puts us into a primitive state.
It activates our fears, and we cant see beyond them.
Stress completely overwhelms our minds, and we cant access to more evolved, rational parts of our brain.
Its like a piece of paper with a black dot on it.
When were stressed, that little dot takes over the entire page, and its all we see.
This is where the majority of people go wrong in relationships.
They are on the defensive waiting for something to go wrong, and they cant relax and justbe.
Instead, theyre on high alert for the worst case scenario to come to pass.
When you stress over your relationship, you arent able tobein the relationship.
And the guy will feel it.
Hell pick up on this negative energy and he will just feel turned off.
Whenever guys suddenly lose interest, this is usually the reason.
They say it was just a feeling.
Now here is the big takeaway.
When it feels good to be around you, he wants to be around you.
When it feels bad, he doesnt.
And it feels bad to be around a stressed out person.
Stressing solves nothing
Heres the trap we fall into with stressing over things.
It feels like youre doing something.
It feels like your being productive.
It feels like youre running on the treadmill.
Sure youre not getting anywhere, but youre doing something beneficial.
You feel like if you spin your wheels hard enough youll land on some sort of a solution.
But instead, you poison your mood and your vibe and your self-esteem.
Set a date to panic
A lot of women prematurely panic.
I remember going through this when I started dating my husband.
We had gone on our first and were talking about when to go on the second.
(For context, I dated my husband in high school and we started dating again 11 years later.
Maybe he decided hes not into me.
Maybe I talked too much on our date and it was a turn off.
Maybe I was too nervous.
Maybe hes not attracted to me.
I was drowning in a sea of maybes.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.I cant believe I pushed him away after only two dates.
Why do I always mess everything up?
Why dont things every work out for me?And on and on the tragic stream of consciousness went.
Then came Wednesday and I still didnt hear from him and it was happening again.
The panic, the worry, the feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach.
But then I said no.
I said no more of this.
I will not stress and obsess like I do with every relationship.
I decided that I would not worry about this at all, at least not today.
I gave myself until Friday.
If I dont hear from him by Friday, then I will allow myself to be upset.
Until then, I will not give into these frantic, frenetic thoughts.
I will not let this ruin my day or my mood or my self-esteem.
It isnt always easy, but its possible to take control of your mind and your thoughts.
This wasnt the time for them.
And you know what happened?
He texted me later that night … and everything as just fine and normal!
I easily could have spent that entire day driving myself half insane and for no reason!
And thats what we do to ourselves all the time.
For some reason, this basic revelation feels groundbreaking when spoken out loud.
Its hard to realize something so obvious when youre in the thick of it because it doesnt feel OK.
It feels like you will combust if he leaves.
You just cant handle that being a reality.
Dating is a discovery process, thats all.
Its not a means to find happiness or self-esteem or to heal your old wounds.
Being in a relationship isnt a goal to achieve.
It is something that naturally happens when youre dating someone and you both realize it just fits.
It feels easy and effortless and being together is just much better than not being together.
You mesh, you click, you want the same things.
If one person doesnt feel this way, then there isnt much it’s possible for you to do.
You cant force someone to feel what you feel.
Ifhe doesnt want to be with you, he doesnt want to be with you, and thats fine.
You will find someone who wants you and wants what you want.
Theres an underlying feeling ofI need this relationship to work!
Before we started dating, I was talking to this guy who seemed promising.
I followed my own advice: youre not in a relationship until yourein a relationship.
And I allowed myself to mentally consider the possible ways my story could unfold.
Either I would end up with my husband, and wouldnt that make the most romantic story ever?
The point Im making is dont mentally or physically cut yourself off from other options.
Youll leave much less room for stressing if you have other things to keep you occupied.
You have control over your mind
This is a common mistake.
We think we have no control.
Why do we allow this?!
You have control over which thoughts seep in.
If you dont like what youre hearing, send those thoughts away and replace them with something different.
Your mind heavily influences the way you see the world and interact with it.
Here is a way to see for yourself.
Close your eyes and pick a color.
Spend about a minute thinking about that color exclusively.
Then open your eyes.
And this after only a minute of thinking of something!
Dont let your thoughts control you.
When the negative thoughts creep in, ask them to leave.
It may feel weird, but it works!
