A little while back I met up with some girlfriends to catch up.
And B) I get a lot of new material, lets be honest!
Basically, one of my friends met a guy and they hit it off.
Gabriel Bastelli
The catch is that he lives in a different country.
After they parted ways they continued to stay in touch and had regular Skype dates.
Eventually, they planned a weekend where they would meet upin person.
Everything went great, their connection was strong, but on the flight home my friend started to panic.
What if the distance became too much?
What if he started pulling away?
And he didnt even mention when they would see each other again, thats a bad sign!
And if she gets hurt again, then what will she do?
This is basically what flooded her mind for the entire six-hour flight.
Now onto another friend.
She met a guy online a while back and two weeks later they were boyfriend/girlfriend.
I was concerned about the pace of the relationship, but she seemed happy so I let it be.
He was everything she has ever wanted and she really thought this was it.
It seemed they were in two completely different relationships.
In his, he was unhappy and felt unappreciated and resented her for various things.
She had no idea he was feeling any of this, and she is not an oblivious person!
She was absolutely beyond repair distraught for many months.
But time marched on and she started to bounce back, but not really.
She was still thinking about her ex and couldnt let it go.
Then suddenly he was back in the picture.
They started seeing each other again but werent official.
This went on for several months and she was really frustrated.
It was especially surprising given how quick he was to call her his girlfriend the first time around.
Then one day our other good friend came across him on a dating app and my friend totally freaked.
I saw right through her ex from the beginning.
She knew all this, but she still went back, and she got hurt all over again.
Why was it still bothering her?
Why couldnt she let it go?
Why does she still think about him?
Its something I write abouta lot.
Both girls attached way too much to the outcome.
They invested in fantasy futures and put too much weight in their investment.
What do you mean?
Lets break it down further.
For the first friend, my advice was simple: she needed to gain control over her thoughts.
She needed to say to herself: I am fine, everything is OK.
I was OK before I met this guy and Ill be fine if things dont work out.
What she was doing is the opposite.
She was getting overly invested in a relationship that didnt even exist just yet.
Notice I saymaking herself feel.
This was entirely her doing, he did nothing to create such panic and fear within her.
When she heard me say this, she eased up a lot.
Wow, youre right.
So this is something Ive done and many of you have done.
You meet a great guyfinallyand you get really excited.
And its not like youre delusional, hes really into you too!
Youre official, you meet the parents, you share your deep thoughts and feelings, its all great.
But then it all goes wildly off track.
It happens so fast you dont even realize what just happened.
You venture to ignore the red flags because youneedthis to work.
You already found him and you wont let this go!
But sometimes you dont have a choice.
He lets go and you cant do anything about it.
Before I could go out with either of them I went on a date with my husband.
While I wanted to call it off with the other two, I didnt.
I didnt attach to any particular outcome.
Either I would end up with my high school sweetheart, andaw how sweet that would be?
!Or I would end up with the guy who lives down south, and that would be cool!
Or Ill end up single for longer and thats not so bad!
I honestly loved being single, I had a blast and would have been fine staying that way.
I knew no matter what, I would be OK. Everything would be OK. And because I wasnt worried about the future, I could enjoy the present.
and I never went out with the other guys.
So thats how its done.
