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Updated 7 months ago,September 28, 2024
I lurched awake suddenly at 3 am.
I instinctively reach for my phone.
No missed calls, no texts.
God & Man
He didnt call me back.
He always calls me back.
Hes cheating on me.
Hes with a girl right now.
I am more certain of this fact than Ive ever been about any other aspect of our relationship.
We were always on shaky ground.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And now it has.
I dont want to be right.
I wake up the next morning and treat it all like a nightmare.
It never happened, everything is the same.
So I go about my day, brushing any awful thoughts aside.
I didnt just love him, I needed him.
And he needed me.
We were basically everything to one another.
A girl, a very hot girl, posted on his wall.
He called me later that night acting like everything was normal.
I wanted to participate in the charade, but I just had to ask.
So why didnt you call me back last night?
I was just hanging out, you know.
Hanging out with who?
You were hanging out with a girl.
And you cheated on me,
Yes.
I cant believe you.
Never talk to me again.
I hang up the phone and cue the tears.
We talk again later that night but its useless.
This is the end.
He didnt just cheat on me, hes leaving me for her.
I dont think Ive ever experienced anything more painful in my life, not even childbirth.
I was literally gutted, ripped open from end to end.
I didnt understand how I could function in the world without him.
It just felt wrong.
It was like I had gone through the looking glass, nothing made any sense without him.
But I knew he would come back.
He has to come back.
I know everything about him.
I know his past, his pain, his demons.
Ive been there for him through everything.
A few weeks later Im back in Boston to start my senior year.
I feel certain that now that were back in the same city he will definitely want me back.
But he didnt come back.
Instead, his new girlfriend flaunted their relationship all over social media.
And being the masochist that I am, I couldnt stop myself from tuning in to see the show.
The worst part was he became the man I always wanted him to be … with her.
What did she have that I dont have?
I wasnt only obsessed with him, I was obsessed with her.
I needed to know everything about her.
Why wasnt I good enough?
And what makes her good enough?
When the questions got to be too much I called him for some answers.
I needed closure, I needed to understand.
But what a waste of time that was.
It was like talking to a cold distant stranger.
All the love he once felt (if it actually existed) was long gone.
He just gave me short, what do you want me to tell you?
answers, followed by sighs of annoyance.
If I didnt feel like nothing before this conversation, I certainly did after.
The pain was too much.
It was unrelenting and suffocating.
So I dealt with it the only way my 21-year-old self knew how.
I partied like a monster.
I mean, take the wildest party girl you know, multiply her by 10 and that was me.
I was on a tear like you wouldnt believe.
I was on a mission.
I didnt care to hook up.
I just needed them to want me more than theyve ever wanted anything.
That was my game and I played it well.
But oh boy, did it come at a cost.
Soon enough, I discovered that I didnt need the booze or the boys to feel numb.
I was just numb.
I was a shell of a person.
No more feelings, no more emotions, just black empty darkness.
I turned my feelings off and became almost like a vampire.
It was a sad and sick way to live.
I was punishing myself for someone elses mistake.
I think that breakup was the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in my life.
Looking back, I dont even know how I got through it.
I was a classic case of whatnotto do.
But I learned a lot, and have used my knowledge to help countless women heal their ravaged hearts.
And with that, here are my tips to recover from being cheated on, thehealthy way.
Deal with it
Dont run away from your feelings, they will always find you.
Dont shove them to the side or bury them under drugs and alcohol.
Dont self-destruct, because what sense does that make?
Im not going to feel sorry for myself.
Im going to take care of myself and be healthy.
Im going to go to the gym instead of the bar.
Im going to invest in my relationship with myself so that I learn to like myself again.
After that, maybe even love me.
So write about it.
And be kind to yourself!
Dont beat yourself up, physically and emotionally.
Work on healing, work on being better.
Its not personal
Believe me, I know it feelsso personal.
He chose her, he didnt want you, hence, you are not good enough.
You are just plain bad.
You will never get what you want in life.
I know how that song goes, Ive sung it many times over.
When you allow these beliefs you get wired in, you ruin yourself.
And you blame him for ruining you but it wasnt him.
It was your reaction to what he did that was your undoing.
Honestly, it had nothing to do with you.
It was about him.
Men dont usually cheat because they no longer love their partners or find them attractive.
Its because they need a certain emotional fix.
I cared for him like he was a little boy and there is nothing sexy about that dynamic.
Im not saying what he did was right, what he did was absolutely awful.
Yes, because I didnt look at him that way anymore.
I looked at him as a problem I needed to solve.
And I did care about him deeply, but not in the same way.
Everyone has what they want to give and get from a relationship.
He and I just werent compatible.
We werent good together.
It was always too hard, always full of issues, always so sad and dreary.
It just wasnt a match and thats not such a big deal.
And its not easy to trust a new guy when the last one left you absolutely shattered.
have a go at get to the root of what went wrong in your last relationship.
What red flags did you ignore?
In what ways was the relationship not right for you?
What qualities should a long-term partner have?
Trust starts with you.
Its not that you dont trust men anymore, its that you dont trust your own judgment.
You cant punish the next guy for the last ones mistakes.
This just isnt fair.
Try as best you’ve got the option to to start anew.
If you better take things more slowly this time, thats totally fine.
As you get more comfortable with the new guy, be open and honest about your pain.
Choose wisely
This ties into the previous point.
The best way to trust again and find lasting love is to choose wisely.
Im not blaming you for what happened.
But chances are, you saw some red flags but chose to ignore them.
We all have the power to choose.
This is what determines if we get the love we want or not.
I chose poorly and I knew it, I just couldnt pry myself away.
I did what all of us do when were entangled in toxic relationships.
I clung to the belief that it would get better, and someday everything would be different.
I never could trust him.
In the back of my mind, I always knew he would leave for someone else.
I always knew I was a placeholder, but who wants to admit something so awful and painful?
So I didnt admit it.
And boy was my fantasy future off base!
You dont let yourself move forward.
Maybe you need answers, maybe you need an explanation.
Maybe you think these things are owed to you.
But the closure rarely comes, unless you want to wait a really long time.
You dont need him to give you an explanation of why he did what he did.
Even if he does, the answer will never satisfy you.
Just like you have the power to choose, you have the power to shut the loop.
So what happened to him and her?
Well, they broke up after less than two years together.
Around that time, I reached out to him to get my closure.
We had a very long closure talk, but I didnt learn anything new.
And so a business was born, a website about relationships written by a set of exes.
It was hard and complicated and crazy.
Feelings were resurrected from the dead, stupid mistakes were made, but thats all ancient history now.
That our relationship ending in such a spectacularly dramatic and devastating way was how it needed to happen.
The point is, you cant panic in the middle of a sentence.
you better keep going and I promise, one day the clarity and the closure will come.
In the meantime, be your best self.
Take care of yourself.
Dont punish yourself and adopt negative, destructive beliefs.
