By
Updated 5 years ago,March 20, 2020
Ive dated many men with an avoidant attachment style.
Id say their love is, I imagine, equivalent to taking a hit of heroin.
Youre on top of the world with it, but the rest of the time, youre miserable.
Maxim Tolchinskiy
I went through this dance of chasing my partners and constantly stepping on their toes for a few years.
I figured all relationships were hard, that tears were simply part of the equation for passion.
That is until I came across theAttachment Theory.
This understanding of adult love made everything so clear; I realized why relationships caused me so much pain.
I craved love and dated men that couldnt give it.
And there are three main attachment styles most people fall into: secure, avoidant, and anxious.
My anxious attachment style mixed like oil and water when it came to the avoidant men I dated.
The person may text you all day one day and then go radio silent for a week.
They seem to miss you a lot, but when youre in person, they pull away.
Someone avoidant will get easily spooked if things seem like theyre getting too serious.
But when I brought the subject up, they became coy or made me feel crazy.
This kind of routine is common amongst avoidant people.
Because of this, they might continually praise their ex no matter how great you are.
I once had a partner that talked so highly of his ex that I never felt good enough.
I constantly felt like he wished I could become her.
But what I realize now is that he focused heavily on the good that came with his ex.
He didnt think about the reasons he broke up; he just wanted the good without the messy.
This kind of behavior is called romanticizing, and avoidant people are often guilty of this.
Theyll remember only the positives and never the negatives of their exes.
But avoidant people often refuse to confide in their partner or seek help.
They avoid meeting your family
Meeting your family and friends is a big step.
Its introducing a new person to your intimate circle.
If theyre roped into it, youll notice theyre uneasy the whole time.
Meeting the people closest to you will feel like things are getting serious.
And for them, that might feel suffocating.
They love boundaries
Boundaries are great in a relationship.
I am all about setting them.
However, there is a point when too many boundaries are in place.
An avoidant person may clearly communicate whats theirs and yours.
Theyll keep your friends and theirs completely separate.
They set clear times for when and how much you’re free to see them.
An avoidant person often isnt able to balance freedom and partnership.
They only want the former and dont see the positives of the latter.
First, remember that there is nothing wrong with you.
Youre not needy or crazy.
You might be dating the wrong person.
Theres still a possibility for closeness; its just going to look a little different.
