In our relationships and interactions with ourselves and others, we see what we want to see.
Being fat has never made philosophic sense to me because I know how to be thin: eat less.
A few years later I tried to get help again.
I got a need-based scholarship to attend a wellness retreat for people with food problems half priced.
I worked in nonprofit marketing then and had basically $0 to my name.
I didnt know much about the program before I left other than they promised to treat me.
It turned out to be associated with an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous called Overeaters Anonymous.
They claimed sobriety from eating disorder symptoms through abstinence from unclean foods, namely sugar.
I took a fourth step class that fundamentally shifted the way I take responsibility for my actions and emotions.
One day you fall in to one and you dont believe anymore.
I googled diet programs and took fitness classes.
I actually had fun in cycling classes and took them regularly, but my diet was never healthy.
Food was how I comforted myself from the extreme psychic pain I was in.
I reached out to both women.
I told them (humiliatingly) that yes, I could in fact ride a bike.
Neither of them cared, they defended themselves and what theyd said even though it was objectively wrong.
My dating life was not chic.
I dated someone for two years who I dont think ever noticed or cared about me.
In our relationships and interactions with ourselves and others, we see what we want to see.
I saw men who were embarrassed of me, unattracted to me, or disappointed by me.
I was unlovable because I thought of myself as unlovable.
In 2016 I decided to give eating disorder recovery another shot.
Id just survived a completely miserable winter and my mental health was the worst its ever been.
I took a Cognitive Behavioral therapy class and learned that my feelings arent facts.
Group taught me how to shine the flashlight in the closet and realize the monster isnt there.
I let my therapist finally convince me to go on anti-anxiety medication.
Ive embraced that life is about struggle and that no one feels happy all the time.
The more work I do on myself, the more work I notice there is still left to do.
So now I can go to the beach in a two piece swimsuit.
I dont feel like I need to wear bras or makeup unless its a special occasion.
I can be intimate with a man without feeling overwhelmed with shame and guilt about my body.
Im happy with who I am as a person which isnt much but its something Ive never experienced before.
Still, I know my body isnt ideal.
There are a lot of challenges I still face.
I just feel guilty that she has to deal with me being non-compliant and thin like I should be.
I just show up and do the best I can.
I like the way I look, I like the way I am.
I cant control this circle or how much it intersects with my circle at all.
I just know that it exists and that it impacts me.
I approach these things with curiosity instead of judgement.
It works every time.
This feels like a direct shot of medicine sometimes.
I am learning how to believe that I exist for something other than pleasing men.
I am not alive for that purpose.
I want to make myself feel proud and happy.
I want to be alive for a bigger purpose.
I dont want to do something thats making me sick anymore.
