By
Updated 8 years ago,September 9, 2017
Hey, long time no see.
Im not really the kind of person who has ranting conversations with herself just to fill the silence.
No, Im not hallucinating.
God & Man
But I think about them a lot, these could-have-beens.
It bothers me that there was never that last conversation.
It bothers me I never got to say goodbye.
God & Man
So I let myself have them.
But the truth is I want to know.
How have you been?
What have you been doing all this time?
Do you like your job?
Hows your mother, your father, your younger brother?
I always have to make up responses I think would make sense.
They got their dream job, the one theyd been applying for the last time we actually spoke.
Their family is great, and theyve just started dating this new person that makes them really happy.
Theyre in a good place.
I always hope theyre in a good place.
Im good too, I think.
What happened to us?
Maybe I dive deep too fast, but in my head it always makes sense.
Theres pained looks shared at this part.
Maybe its because whenever I think about what happened, it hurts.
Maybe I dont get over things as easily as I should.
The conversation changes with each person, but every time theres a hint of apology in every word.
We know we cant put them back together.
We talk about how we wish we could anyway.
You really hurt me.
Im not always good at telling people how I feel about anything, ever.
Im over it, Ill tell people, but Im not.
You really hurt me.
This time, Im telling you.
I always imagine they know.
I think people always know when they fucked up, even when they dont like to admit it.
I know I fucked up, too.
Ive come to terms with it.
I really miss you.
I miss being that happy.
And Id like to think they miss me too.
From where they sit across the table, they always nod and agree.
Id like to think I made them that happy, too.
Lets not talk anymore.
This ones the hardest for me because Im not good at endings.
I let them out, and I let them go.
This time, for the last time.
