It is absolutely terrifying to be witnessed.
By
Updated 4 years ago,April 6, 2021
I have spent a great deal of time hiding.
I hide myself in various ways.
@mbrunacr
Sometimes I disappear into a crowd by retreating inside of my mind.
I find comfort in my thoughts that feel so loud.
Sometimes I forget others cannot hear them.
Other times, I vanish by blending in.
I dress in ways that are expected of me; not too loud or colorful.
I hide my insecurities under layers.
No one can see me inside of this dress.
I hide behind makeup.
Sometimes, I add an additional mask by hiding behind the camera.
Another layer gets added on with a filter on Instagram.
I hide myself once more with a generic caption and fun emojis.
Can you see me now?
I was interacting with people but it was part of my job.
It was just another mask I put on.
Today, I am social because it is what is expected of me.
I stood there silently and just smiled at him in response.
I did not know how to be known.
I am terrified of being known.
The truth is vulnerability shakes me to the core.
If I do not try, I cannot fail.
This narrative has crapped out for me anymore.
I have started to realize that I was conditioned to keep my opinions to myself.
I do not ask others for what I need and therefore, I cannot be helped.
You see, I have created a life of safety.
I will never be disappointed.
But I am never satisfied, either.
I have forgotten how to share my voice with the world.
I have forgotten how to ask for what I need.
Slowly, I am turning this narrative around.
It started really small.
It started with little statements to people I love.
Except, it was also liberating.
The people who loved me, understood.
They apologized for the way I was feeling and consented to the new boundary I set.
The relationship grew from the communication.
Things did not fall apart because I communicated my feelings and needs.
I started setting boundaries with everyone.
Some people did not like the boundaries.
The truth is, people who benefit from our lack of boundaries, will always resist our growth.
I have learned to recognize that other peoples reactions to my boundaries are not my problem.
My boundaries grew firmer and more rigid as a result.
My boundaries are no longer a wall I build around myself for protection from love.
My boundaries are a set of guidelines, which teach people how to love me.
They also teach me who is worthy of my love and commitment.
Boundaries are a two-way street.
I have learned that I am not alone.
It terrifies me to write these feelings on paper.
I know there will be people reading this who think, I had no idea she felt this way.
Of course, they will.
I have been in hiding.
I have played various roles to fit the character suited to the scene.
At work, I am professional and wise.
When I teach yoga, I am spiritual and open-minded.
With my friends, I am athletic, creative, and free-spirited.
The funny thing is, everyone would describe me as deeply authentic.
That is not to say, I never show up.
I am learning to show up.
First and foremost, I show up for myself.
I have started listening to the dreams I have ignored.
The little tug at my sleeve, like a needy child.
The little strings on my heart, being plucked by tiny fingers.
The girl I was as a child; free-spirited, introspective, and wise, still exists deep inside.
She knows my dreams and reminds me that grown-ups do not always know the answers.
I am unlearning my conditioning.
As a woman, especially, I have been conditioned to hide.
What if I speak up and no one listens?
I will speak louder.
What if I express my needs and they are not respected?
I will sever that bond.
What if I share how I feel and I am laughed at?
It does not diminish my feelings, they are still valid.
I love myself enough to show up.
They are simply manifestations of what yogis and psychologists call The Shadow Self.
This simply means, the parts of ourselves that have not yet been illuminated by light.
This is how the light gets in.
By sharing our vulnerabilities, fears and insecurities with the world; we witness them externalized.
We see them reflected in the hearts, scars and shadows of others.
Regardless of the other persons reaction to our shadow selves, we learn something new every time we share.
A little bit of light enters the darkness, even if we are the ones doing the illuminating.
I have spent a great deal of my life in hiding.
The problem is, absorbed in my own shadows, I could not see the light.
I am learning how to show up.
It is absolutely terrifying to be witnessed.
I believe it is worth the risk.
