“I have a beautiful apartment.
I have my dream job.
I lost 50 lbs.
I am living the life I always wanted, but Im lonely.”
Youre always on vacation, a friend commented on one of the photos I uploaded to Instagram.
There was a feeling of relief that accompanied reading each story.
The feeling I had while reading these stories was that of undoing damage I didnt know I had.
Sometimes I use a timer to take pics
You wouldnt realize it, but Im alone here.
Months later, I reposted it to remind myself that in time, yes, healing is possible.
This was a happy moment, but it was a really tough day and no one even knew it.
No ones life is perfect
This is the view at my parents lake house in Atlanta.
I was lucky enough to get to live here all summer.
I was surrounded by my amazing family every day, and the sun was always shining.
But I was so sick.
I have Crohns Disease and it flared up this summer.
I could barely eat.
Everything went right through me.
I was on a diet of about 5 things.
I was too sick to work.
Even the act of getting out of bed took everything out of me.
I felt constantly anxious and depressed, like I was always on the verge of a breakdown.
Im scared and Im struggling.
Laughing for the photo
This is me on the roof of my building forcing myself to laugh.
My hair looks good though.
Did I spell anything wrong?
Is that really how I feel?
This is a shit picture.
[insert name here] would have done a better job.
Then I usually delete it.
Its probably why I dont post pictures of just me, unless Im with other people.
And I tend to stick to pictures of landscapes or things.
If Id raised him differently, would he be a different dog?
What if he doesnt get enough walks, enough time, enough face snuggles?
The short answer is: he doesnt.
He is innocent and deserves everything in the world and I will always fall short.
The reality is, the reality doesnt perform as well.
This is me appearing to be enjoying my first cup of coffee in the morning.
Truth is, I wasnt able to get even a wink of sleep.
I stayed up all night thinking about all the things I struggle to shut down night after night.
I left the states in May and this photo was taken at the end of September.
Theres a lot the camera doesnt capture.
For the first time in weeks, I wanted to actually leave my apartment and do something.
She fixed my hair a different way.
I threw on a small bit of makeup.
When we ordered our coffee and sat down, it was taking all I had not to break down.
I dont think he and I are going to last much longer.
We both glanced down to my left hand holding the forgoes diamond ring.
I had been engaged to the first man I had ever loved for about 8 months.
By all accounts, we were a great couple.
What I expected to be stressed about was wedding planning and getting everything prepared for a new life.
Instead, I had been stressing because our relationship didnt even look like it would survive at all.
What had started as simple suggestions about how I lived (you should be more organized.
Maybe venture to find a better job.)
turned into frustrations and fights.
In the meantime, all anyone around me could ask was so when is the wedding?
Or what flowers we wanted.
Or where it would be.
Or had I purchased my dress yet?
I would always wait until I made it home before I let a smile leave my face.
By month 8, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.
I was having a hard time remembering the last time Id been happy, period.
We sat still for a moment, until she asked if she could take a picture of me.
You look so pretty today.
She gave me a moment to pose, and then I glanced down at my left hand again.
All my picture lately had been overshadowed by this sparkling diamond- no one could talk about anything else.
Sometimes, its better to just admit you dont, and simply let go.
Indeed, I was willing to get stuck with him for a lifetime.
But ultimately he did dump me for another girl.
His opinions were quite the contrary.
He couldnt think of any future with me.
I just said, I dont post those.
What I didnt post was that I was a failure at relationships.
A real failure with 3 divorces and a string of awesome boyfriends.
I cried and felt helpless and contemplated never coming back.
Get your copy of What I Didnt Post on Instagramhere.
