Im writing this because I have OCD, and Im bitter as hell about it.
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Updated 4 years ago,October 28, 2021
Myhouse is a whole ass messconstantly.
I dont organize my pantries.
Photo byJonathan BorbaonUnsplash
I never make it a point to color code my closet.
And I have OCD.
Are you confused yet?
You sound like me in November of 2019 with my recently appointed doctor.
Are you familiar with OCD?
the doctor asked at the start of my second appointment.
My doctor nodded forgivingly.
Are you open to that?
A surprised laugh tumbled out of me.
Im, like, really messy.
A small smile touched her lips.
Always being clean is a common misconception about OCD.
You seem to have experience with both.
Id never even heard of that.
Youll learn more about it when you speak to the psychiatrist.
And fuck, did I.
But Im getting ahead of myself.
I was 16 years old.
He moved our family from our sleepy little town in Northern Michigan to the Metro DC area.
But then I thought, no.
There was something that was different between me and other angry teenagersmy thoughts.Something was off.
Something was wrong.With me.
My thoughts were evil.
I hated my parents for this move, and then it happened.
I was behind my mom on the stairs, and I thought about shoving her down them.
It instantly panicked me.
Why would I think that?
Would I do that?
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
I must be capable of it if I am thinking it.
My friends love their moms and they would never think that.
It wasnt the first intrusive thought Id ever had, but it was definitely the most terrifying one.
I felt so wrong.
Id sob from the guilt.
It was the first time I ever hated myself.
I was losing my damn mind.
My uncle was schizophrenic.
Maybe I was schizophrenic too.
And then, suddenly, less than a minute later,I was schizophrenic.
It happened quickly, and sure enough, another obsession was born.
I began researching that night, and my schizophrenia obsession became best friends with my new favorite compulsion.Google.
I needed to be absolutely positive.
I didnt tell the doctor about my intrusive thoughts because I was too scared.
So I just told him I was crying a lot at night and I couldnt sleep.
I was scared, and I worried a lot.
The doctor asked if anything changed recently.
I told him I recently moved there.
He said I was experiencing night anxiety from the recent move.
It was a big change, he had explained.Yeah, no fucking shit.
He prescribed me Ambien, which is a sleeping medication.
My parents wouldnt let me take it, and I never saw that doctor again.
Thenext time I went to see someone about my mental health, I was 21 years old.
I told the doctor I was experiencing severe anxiety and wanted help coping with it.
But unfortunately for me, I was fat, so she sent me to a nutritionist.
The nutritionist was befuddled by my hysterical state and I leftwith no therapist referraland never went back.
But still, life was looking better.
I mean, I was engaged and we had a home that was ours together.
I thought I was finally learning to cope with my anxiety.
And that was my first positive experience with exposure therapy, whether I knew it or not.
Then I turned 22, and an obsession so volatile was born.
This is the obsession that finally broke me.
But Im getting ahead of myself again, arent I?
It was a Wednesday afternoon and I was home alone.
My then fiance was at work.
He worked a lot back then.
60 hours for 6 days a week.
I started to pull the phone away from my ear, but then I heard it.
There was a clicking noise in my phone.
Panic gripped my chest.
Why would there be a clicking noise in MY phone?
Not bitter because I have OCD, either.
That isnt it at all.
I mean, Ive always had OCD.
OCD is treatable, and I feel so fortunate to be currently learning that.
Im truly not bitter that I have OCD.
Im bitter because I thought my house had to be constantly clean to have OCD.
Im bitter because I never color code my closet.
Im bitter because I can never keep my shit organized.
I needed that help so badly it hurts to think about it.
Tears burn my eyes whenever I do.
So no, Im not writing this to exploit every intrusive thought or obsession Ive ever had.
Im writing this for every person that is unknowingly struggling with OCD.
You are not a bad person.
Youre just a human with OCD and a messy house, and that doesnt invalidate your mental illness.
If you’ve got the option to seek help, just do it.
