I know the consequences.
If I don’t go to class, I could fail the course.
If I don’t brush my teeth, I could get a cavity.
Unsplash / Bruno Melero
If I don’t text my friend back, I could lose them forever.
But what does it matter?
Right now, it doesn’t seem to matter at all.
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Updated 8 years ago,May 25, 2017
I dont feel like doing anything.
Its not out of laziness.
Its not because I would rather sleep.
Unsplash / Bruno Melero
I could force myself to smile and laugh and look like a functional human being.
But while doing those things, I wouldnt feel a thing.
Its not that Im numb.
Its not that Im emotionless.
Honestly, I dont know what I am.
Eating my favorite meals.
Like I havent fully woken up yet.
Im not a robot.
I still experience happiness but its fleeting.
Its like the happy moment never happened at all.
Like it was wiped from my brain as soon as it ended.
Im not able to grasp onto anything.
I can only hold onto it for a second before it slips out of my hands.
I dont know what will make me feel better, and honestly, I dontfeellike doinganything.
The worst part is that I dont feel guilty over it.
Im just done caring.
I know the consequences.
If I dont go to class, I could fail the course.
If I dont brush my teeth, I could get a cavity.
If I dont text my friend back, I could lose them forever.
But what does it matter?
Right now, it doesnt seem to matter at all.
When my brain wanders, it doesnt even know what to wander toward anymore.
What should I spend my time thinking about?
What matters to me?
I wish I had enough energy to hate the way Ive been feeling, but I dont.
Its just an inconvenience I hope will end soon.
Its making it hard for me to be a good friend, a good worker, a good human.
I feel like my brain is broken.
Like something is out of place.
I have no idea how to fix it, but I hope I figure it out soon.
