I want to be the way I feel, not the way I have to be.
I am scared people wont accept the me I hide.
I am scared someone very dear to my heart wont understand me.
Amanda Carlson
I am scared of the hate I bestow on myself.
I do not dodge, not at all.
Sometimes I get pretentious like that in a mere hope to escape the same destiny.
Amanda Carlson
Ive been told I am kind, nice and beautiful.
I say thank you, because apparently that is a polite way in this world.
But I dont want to be polite.
I dont want to say thank you.
I want to yell and scream and be arrogant for once.
I didnt pity him as I hugged his crying being.
I felt bad and I felt nothing at the same time.
A guy I just met a short couple of weeks ago fell for me and cried in my embrace.
How did it happen and how did I get myself into this, I wouldnt know.
He is only two years younger than me but he feels like a couple generations away.
I like him and I understand him.
But he is too oblivious to hear and understand me.
In comparison to my place in this world, he is still in kindergarten.
I am afraid I cant help him, however I try, however I want to.
Ive been chasing ghosts since I remember.
The trace of a person I used to be.
A shadow of that little girl in a blue combo on the first day of school, crying.
I cried a lot back then.
Frankly, its like I never stopped.
Ive been hurt so much I cant remember.
But there was always another thing the next morning.
There will be another thing next week.
And maybe I have grown enough, but my sensitivity grew with me.
I am scared of being diminished and pulled apart.
At this point in my life, I am as independent as I can be.
Unfortunately for me, I hate it.
This adult life and responsibilities are too much.
Some people like freedom and being able to do whatever they want without parental judgment.
But I wish I was just a kid and someone would take care of everything for me.
All I would need to do is eat my food, sleep and play around.
Those years when I had to sleep in the middle of the day were the best.
They came with a lot of salt as well, but now, it certainly seems like luxury.
Since then, Ive moved on and need my parents less and less with every single day.
I had a valedictorian complex.
But one doesnt get good grades at university because one studies hard.
Sometimes it was just preferential treatment.
My mom was my only real friend.
Although over the years weve talked less and less.
I am scared we will never be as close as we were back then.
I am scared I wont have time to spend with my parents.
Fear is an interesting concept.
Sometimes the more we fear certain things the more probable those things would occur.
With some events, you’ve got the option to never know.
Maybe this is exactly how love feels?
Maybe being scared to feel something for someone lead me precisely to that?
And I am still afraid.
