I know you gave me everything you had.
It just wasnt enough.
Thats what you said to me when you thought I was leaving forever.
Unsplash / Tom Pumford
My first thought was, Why would you?
I gave you everything.
I guess you were trying to give me a proper goodbye.
It was one of the few times you expressed yourself.
I gave you a big smile, trying to appear nonchalant.
Yeah, me neither, was the lie that exited my mouth.
Unsplash / Tom Pumford
Looking back now, I think that actually may have been the truth.
I dont regret any of the time we spent together.
I know you did your best.
I know you gave me everything you had.
It just wasnt enough.
You treated me like I was ordinary.
I searched for a man like you who would mirror the way I viewed myself.
I needed someone to prove to me that I was just as undeserving of love as I feel.
Writing it down makes it sound ridiculous why would someone want to be treated like theyre nothing?
Because it would allow me to reinforce the ideas I had about my worth.
You dont matter, I could then tell myself with certainty.
You never voiced that opinion, but you didnt have to.
You werent being unkind; you were just indifferent.
You talked of your own dreams, aspirations, your future, how successful youd be.
You didnt care to know me.
Being with you taught me that love is an action.
Did you say that because you wanted to keep me around?
Did you say that because you thought it was expected of you?
Ill be honest with you now: you dont know what it means to love.
I thought I could teach you.
If I could just love you the way I wanted you to love me, youd understand.
I did everything of which I was capable.
Loving comes so naturally to me; it wasnt a chore.
For me it became so crucial that you grasp how much you mattered to me.
You didnt learn a thing.
It all weighed so heavily on me.
The thought that maybe I dont have much to love persistently crept into my consciousness.
I considered the possibility that you may have the ability to love me but didnt care to.
Maybe you knew how to make me feel important, special, treasured, even worthy.
Maybe you just couldnt be bothered by such things.
My feelings for you became stained with resentment.
I deserve love just as much as anyone.
Even so, I never wanted to stop trying.
You knew better than I did that we couldnt make it work.
You knew how much pain I was in and it pained you to be the cause.
You let me go.
Thank you for lifting the veil.
I realized I didnt need you to love me to be loved.
Teaching you how to love me became the way in which I learned to love myself.
I dont regret any of the time we spent together.
By not accepting the love and warmth I gave you, you forced me to take it for myself.
For that I can never repay you.
Im sure that youll find someone in fact, I hope you do.
Thank you for not letting it be me.
