Caring about him hurt.
Being his friend hurt.
Letting him go for a final time, letting him go in all seriousness hurt.
Joel Sossa
And I still am not sorry, I still wouldnt take any of it back.
I know you look through his phone to double-check theres no trace of me there.
And yes, weve been skin to skin in chapters written during the same time as yours and his.
I wish I could tell you Im sorry and mean it.
But that would be a lie.
I loved him before you knew him.
I loved him when there was another you, and when there was a different other you before that.
Ive been in relationships and Ive been in love with others, yet still loved him.
Ive been the other girl long before you, if I can even be called that.
I wouldnt take it back because whether it was wrong or not, I loved him.
it’s possible for you to find comfort in the fact that it was a painful love, though.
It was a love I could never say out loud.
Sometimes it was me that came back, though.
It was a love contained within a space behind a locked door and closed blinds.
It was a love never really mine.
It was a love that made me feel used.
It was a love that would leave and leave me feeling empty and cold.
It was a love that equated me to his best-kept dirty dark secret.
I shouldnt say this, but I know him like you know him.
Ive seen all the bits of his soul, the pretty and the ugly.
You get all those parts of him I never did and never will.
I cant even remember what its like.
You get to hear his voice in the morning when hes just crossed that line between slumber and lucidity.
You get to cook breakfast for him.
You get to hold his hand in public and be at his side.
You get to be there for him.
And I really hope you are there for him.
I hope you make his bad days easier.
I hope you kiss him every single morning and every single night before bed.
I hope you do all those things I wished I could do for the last 13 years.
He could have gotten anything he wanted out of me and from me.
The fact is there wasnt ever a choice for him, there simply was just you.
No matter what there was between us, it was never bigger than you.
Leaving you was never a choice.
Being without you was never a choice.
And like we usually do, I let it start to fizzle.
I became distant; I let him feel me becoming distant so he could give me distance.
I stopped talking to him as much, the texts became less and less.
Id get the occasionalI miss youor screenshot of a song for me from him.
I decided to block his number instead I decided to finally say goodbye to him this way.
