I am here to take responsibility for my choices.
Its no ones fault, really.
I know that I know that you care about me.
Photo byQIN BENNIEonUnsplash
I know that you did the best you could with where you are in your particular journey.
I had no concept of what it meant to set boundaries.
Thats not your fault either.
You just werent quite the right fit, but you were close enough that I jumped in too quickly.
I idealized you, believed you were my dream boyfriend finally arrived.
It seemed to me that there was really no one out there for me.
Then I met you, mere weeks after I arrived, and I couldnt believe my luck.
My romantic side sprang into full gear, anxious and eager after a long dormancy.
We spent hours in rapt conversation, listening to music we both loved.
We kissed, but I wanted to wait to do anything more.
I really liked you, and I always jumped into intimacy too quickly.
This felt like something big, something that could last.
It mattered to me that we got to know each other first.
Maybe I shouldve asked you to wait even longer.
Id already decided you were meant for me… a dangerous choice to make about someone I barely knew.
There was so much good in our relationship, even up to the end.
Did you make mistakes?
Could you have done some things differently?
Do you have your own trauma and fucked-up ways of handling relationships?
Thats not the point.
The point is that I can only control my own actions and choices.
It means that I need someone different, and so do you.
Its still difficult for me to write these words.
I love you, and I miss you, and I think I always will.
You really were my best friend, despite all the hardship and the pain.
I cant hate my best friend, as heartbroken as I am.
I forgive you for not being able to love me the way I needed.
Now I know that you just didnt know how to give me what I need.
As much as it stings, I cant blame you for your feelings.
You loved me the best that you could.
