The more I shrank to keep the relationship, the further apart we grew.
By
Updated 4 years ago,March 21, 2021
Can you take a day off?
Can you just tell them you cant come in?
Photo byAmandine LerbscheronUnsplash
No, I cant.
These were conversations I used to have with my ex.
I loved my work and seeing people transform after coming in so hopeless.
That changed whenever I came home.
I almost felt guilty about how much I enjoyed my work life.
Ultimately, I didnt believe I could be afullypowerful woman in his presence.
Or take up space.
Be in my purposeandhave a man (him) love and support me unconditionally.
I didnt think both could exist.
I also couldnt see I didnt have the skills to navigate a demanding job while in a committed relationship.
But he was my best friend.
I had never felt more in love with someone despite all of our struggles.
Being together was pure joy.
I loved that he fought for it.
It touched that part of me that felt wanted and important.
So I made myself smaller.
I didnt want to lose him or the relationship.
I started to skip events to get home earlier.
More and more, little by little, I shrank to keep him happy.
In that process, I abandoned myself.
I didnt trust we could be in love and in purpose.
I put up with more and more fights, with his anger.
And then it happened.
It had been feeling weird between us for a couple of days.
I couldnt reach him.
Trying to get him to communicate felt like pulling teeth.
He sent a heavy Heyfollowed by, are you somewhere you could talk?
I picked up the phone and called him, silence on the other end.
I hooked up with…
I wanted to
Click.
I happened to be home for my Moms annual Harvest Moon bonfire when this all happened.
I came downstairs after receiving his phone call to come eat dinner.
I just remember staring at the plate of food, speechless.
It was as if a bomb went off and everything was silent and I was definitely injured.
Then I started crying.
But I love him, I said.
It was all that could come out.
He texted later that night, begging.
yo, I made a mistake.
I made conditions to rebuild trust.
A few days in, I finally lost it.
All the times I stopped listening to that voice.
All the times I put up with what I didnt deserve.
I argued and argued for how much I loved him, but I stopped loving myself in the process.
In a total rage, I kicked him out, screamed at the top of my lungs.
I got back inside.
I had never prayed, but I legitimately had no idea what to do, I had nothing left.
I didnt even recognize the woman I was anymore.
I fell onto my knees, sobbing.
God, hey, tell me what to do.
They told me, In 90 days, itll feel less like your heart is entirely caving in.
My friends sent books, they FaceTimed, but eventually, they stopped.
I decided to move to Brooklyn.
I didnt know anyone and didnt want anyone to know me.
It was just too painfulI had to let it all go.
If I was honest, there was a part of me that knew Id be okay.
Maybe he needed them more.
I got really quiet.
I decided I would get to the absolute bottom of my loneliness.
Feel this thingall the way through.
It was as if every single heartbreak, rejection, and loss had snowballed into this pain.
I wanted to text him, to call him.
What if things were different?
What if under new circumstances, we could make it work?
What if I had changed now?
What if were soulmates and I never love the same again?
His mom called me from California.
What if you guys gave it another shot?
Got another apartment in the city maybe?
You know we broke up right?
During this time, I became obsessed with celery juice and vegetables.
Id say, I dont speak Russian.
Theyd translate, Youre very beautiful.
I received it and let it in.
I promised myself I would not stop loving men.I knew where that path led.
I did yoga every day, became the woman I always judged.
I made a pact to follow the voice in me minute by minute; it was all I had.
I took a lot of subway rides.
She gave me life advice and her email.
We still get together.
I stayed next to the Louvre to watch the sunset and Eiffel Tower from my balcony.
I went to mass at Notre Dame and did yoga in French.
When I made it back to Brooklyn, it was April.
I was walking out of yoga, it was a sunny day and the thought popped into my head.
You know, I think Id do it all again.
I want you to come somewhere with me,I told my new boyfriend.
Letting this man I just started dating into this part of my heart felt incredibly vulnerable.
Where?he asked.
I want to go get a Brooklyn sweatshirt.
My one year living in Brooklyn anniversary had just passed.I had been picturing this excursion for months.
Celebrating the ups, downs, and grit required to live in this city.
We arrived and I tried on a couple of sweaters.
None of them were the ones.
No crew necks and only mens sizes.
Lets go, I told him.
So, youre not going to get anything?
he asked, confused.
She doesnt settle, a little to the left or right just wont do.
He excitedly brought me toward a hipster-looking taco shop and asked if I wanted to eat.
We got inside and I looked at the menu, hungrier than I realized.
There were four options and I couldnt decide what I wanted.
I noticed him looking at me curiously.
Ahhh, Im still trying to decide.
You want them all, dont you?
I laughed; I did.
He smiled and said, Sir, well take them all.
It was actually a very vulnerable moment.
Yes, he bought me a bunch of tacos, but really, he did more than that.
He recognized I have a big appetite and wanted to feed it, literally and metaphorically.
See, I want a lot in this life.
My work is to stop acting like I dont.
Love, joy, play, intimacy, depth of experiences and connections.
He witnessed me there and signaled it was okay to be a hungry woman in his presence.
I can want a lot and he wants to be of service to those things inside me.
Thats when I knew I found a good man.
The feminine is always testing.
Will you use my power well?
Are you a good investment if I put my time, love, attention here?
We got the tacos and talked about love, life, and travel.
He told me about an old girlfriend back home.
I told him about my ex and a dear friend I was about to go visit.
A few days later, I headed to Chinatown to grab some herbs.
It was sunny and my new man popped up on my phone.
He sent an Apple Music screenshot.
Try and Love Again by the Eagles.
He possesses this underrated but truly wonderful quality where he doesnt fill unnecessary silences.
He communicates through pictures and music and pulls me in when words arent what the moment wants.
Together, we exist on the plane of soft, slow, and subtle.
