There is no such thing as ‘The One.’
I liked that, so I married her.
This is what Im like; I tend to go all-in immediately.
Henri Meilha
I commit like crazy.
At least this is what I used to be like.
Ive changed a lot since then.
Soon we hadsex, first in bed, and then in the shower.
It was pretty good.
Three months later, I proposed to her in bed in Paris.
That was the same bed we spent most of our time in while in Paris.
I proposed to her because I didnt want to lose her.
I took her to the top of the Eiffel Tower and officially proposed to her there.
That was a long period of my life, and it was rich in learning.
Heres what I learned.
People change
I was about 22 when I got married.
At that age, my personality was just about crystalized.
I was a child when I got married, and even more of a child when I got engaged.
I didnt know what I wanted, or even who I was.
We develop increasing choice and self-awareness.
At least this is what happens when we are open to growth, integration, and feedback.
This kind of change occurs particularly rapidly if we increase self-awareness through meditation and therapy or coaching.
I started meditating at around the age of 27, and I started to change a lot.
I became less accommodating.
I was less willing to just do whatever my wife wanted without taking into account what I wanted.
That was a big change in our dynamic.
Now I started to let go of that.
I wasnt interested in making everything go smoothly anymore.
I wanted to chill out a little and do nothing.
I wanted to put my feet up and relax when I got home from work.
In any relationship, the partners mesh together like a pair of cogs, with teeth interleaved.
When one of the people starts to change, it can wreak havoc on the relationship.
In that marriage it did.
The breaking point was when my son was not returned to me (Ill explain later).
Dont get me wrong, change is not bad.
In fact, change is good.
Increasing self-awareness is very good, very important.
Its whats necessary to live a fulfilling and healthy life.
I recommend meditation, therapy, and coaching to everyone.
I reverted to my role as the problem solver.
I wanted to keep my family together, but I didnt want all of that.
I took action that I thought was right.
I thought I was being a good husband.
I thought I should put my family first.
The outcomes would have been very different, and probably much more in alignment with what I truly wanted.
Perhaps the outcomes would have been less destructive for everyone, including my son, and including myself.
Im not writing this to bitch about my ex-wife.
I dont even have anything negative to say about her.
Im also not writing this to dwell on mistakes and feel bad about them.
What you truly want is all you’ve got the option to really know for sure.
whereas whats right is usually wrong.
Every relationship is a success
All relationships are successes.
We gain so much experience from being in relationship, especially a bad relationship.
We get to heal, or deepen, the wounds of our childhoods with our partner.
And then we get to reflect on that, and to integrate and grow.
All relationships have a natural end.
For some relationships the end comes with death.
For others the end comes with separation or divorce.
My wife divorced me.
Even though it destroyed my life as I knew it, I dont take it personally.
It was her right.
In hindsight, I would have been happier had she done it much sooner.
We lived in a relatively remote region with few local friends, and I was busy working from home.
Nearly all of my human contact was with my toddler son, and my wife.
I was desperate to achieve my goal of keeping our family together.
My identities as a husband and a father were also under threat.
During this time, I started to make friends.
I made some really close friends through doing The Hoffman Process, which I strongly recommend to everyone.
Its available in many different countries.
I spent time with people who cared about me, who loved me, who had compassion for me.
These people treated me kindly.
I experienced long periods of being away from my wife, periods with people who treated me kindly.
Then I would visit her, and venture to persuade her to not divorce me.
My experience of her during those time was a great contrast with that of being with my friends.
I began to realize that I didnt want to be with her either.
It was like I was waking up from a deep sleep.
I hadnt realized how unpleasant it had been for me to be with her.
It had been constantly painful for years.
Since divorce, I have cultivated and maintained many friendships.
I have also made sure to take frequent breaks from my intimate relationships.
The world is full of people who are waiting to give you love and compassion.
Seek them out, enjoy them, and celebrate them.
Dont waste your life being stuck with people with whom youre not compatible, with whom you dont mesh.
Im acting unilaterally and autonomously from you.
I have a tendency to overcommit.
I have learned to match the sentiment.
I now take the position of, I understand that you think Im too anxious for you.
I love you, and I want you to be happy.
I wonder if it makes sense for you to be with me.
I have also learned that sometimes my partner just needs a hug.
In a broader sense, I have learned to not chase after people who are pushing me away.
On the flip side, I have learned to not run away from people who are pulling me in.
Handle such people with caution.
Were all saddled with endless psychological tics and insecurities.
Inside, were all ugly as fuck, and yet super-lovable at the same time.
Theyre struggling through life too, and Im going to be challenged to love them warts-and-all.
Im going to be challenged to love the parts of myself that I have disowned.
You know how this goes.
You know how this story plays out.
It always plays out the same way.
Spend your twenties getting to know who you are and what you want.
If your twenties are in the past, then start now.
Meditate and get coaching or therapy.
Learn to validate what you want and go for it.
Prioritize taking care of yourself.
At the same time, get lots of experience by starting and ending many relationships.
