It was hard for me to imagine what that was like when my first time was so easy.
That feeling of hope that rushes over me month after month, year after year.
Its like wondering when my life will finally take a right turn.
Devan Freeman
When can we start preparing that empty room?
When can we discuss baby names?
When will I have to give up sushi?
When will it happen?
Will it ever happen?
Will I ever have the opportunity to bear another child?
I never understood infertilityuntil I did.
Ive been blessed with one.
Shouldnt one be enough?
I harbor envy in my heart for expectant mothers.
A sickness encompasses my body when I learn that another person I know is pregnant.
Im happy for them, yes, but I want what they have.
I want to walk into the ultrasound room and see a picture of my growing baby.
I want to be the pregnant one at my OBGYN, not the one seeing the fertility specialist.
I want my husband to stop worrying that its his fault, to stop blaming himself.
I want to see his face light up when we find out the gender.
I dont need a boy or a girl, just a baby.
I wish I could quit thinking about my past.
About how selfish I was to wait until my 30s to have kids.
It was my choice to wait, and wait I did.
My 20s were about me, about my wants and my needs.
After having my son, my world became about him.
I want him to have a sibling, he deserves that.
I grew up with a brother and I loved having a brother.
I loved having a partner in crime, an enemy to battle, a best friend for life.
Its not just what I want for him, my son wants it too.
He asks for a brother or a sisterhe cant quite decide.
He recognizes the joy they experience in having each other.
I dont want him to miss out on that.
Its a pain like none other.
Its not grief or loss or fear or hate.
How do you grieve something that you havent had possession of yet?
But still, my whole body aches.
Tears drip down my cheeks as I, once again, start my period.
That little bit of hope I did have is once again gone.
I wanted to cry happy tears today, not sad ones.
I wanted to celebrate, not mourn.
I wanted to discover that I was pregnant, not infertile.
