I know you must think I am a dreadful, nasty person.
That I am unforgiving.
That I am mean-spirited and filled with anger and hate.
Annie Spratt
But that couldnt be farther from the truth.
No one that has given more of themselves.
But what if I disagreed with you?
That is YOUR mother.
I spent more than forty years trying to make my mother happy.
I loved her and my younger brother and sister deeply.
At the time, I thought we were such a close family, tighter than most.
Dedicated to each other.
Now, forty-five years later, I vividly remember my mothers response.
Not to my dad, but to me.
I did as my mommy told me.
My mom always needed something from me.
A battle that he lost in 2012 when he took his own life.
And I believed her.
After all, I thought, that is what you do for the people you love.
My mom didnt sit me down and tell me these things, but the message was loud and clear.
I still remember the text message I received the middle of February 2013.
I took a quick peek.
It was from my mother, asking when my sons birthday was.
I replied we were having fun and that Rys birthday had come and gone.
I was hoping she would just let it go.
I was annoyed when the second text came through: when was it then?
Youre kidding, right???
I guess I was hoping that my mother would gather more insight.
Put in more effort.
After all my brother had been gone for almost a year.
Wouldnt that lesson cause you to go out of your way to be closer to your other family members?
Then the final blow: No I am not.
I have done nothing wrong.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my relationship with my mother.
I have been in continued therapy to help myself understand why all this went so wrong.
Not to point the finger.
I believe with all of my heart, that my mother is a Narcissist.
And I know now that this is not my fault.
But that is another example of something that isnt my responsibility to change or fix.
Some signs of a Narcissistic mother are:
She uses manipulation and guilt to get what she wants.
She likes to present a perfect family image to outsiders.
She is always a victim.
She never listens to or cares about your feelings.
She is incapable of empathy.
She manipulates your emotions to feed off your pain.
Siblings are pitted against each other.
She is never wrong.
She has a favorite child, often called the golden child.
Love only comes when she is getting what SHE wants.
She violates your boundaries.
She becomes combative and explosive over any amount of criticism.
She will never change as they are not capable of self-reflection.
That is the power of love a daughter has for her mother.
I wasnt angry about her text.
I was hurt, but I think what I was most was disappointed.
I picked up my cordless phone from the kitchen counter and dialed her number.
I was calm and cool.
After all, what I do know when it comes to my mother is that I have to be.
We are not allowed to say our feelings in our family.
So, I spoke quietly and cautiously: Mom, you really hurt our feelings.
My birthday came and went in December.
Ricks birthday (her other grandson) came and went and now Ryans has.
You couldnt even take the time to buy a birthday card for any of us?
You have goooooooooot to be kidding!, she replied in a tone I recognize so well.
No, Mom, actually I am not.
If they didnt there wouldnt be aisles and aisles of them in stores everywhere.
I am really sick of this, Jodee.
Everyone hates us because of YOU!
Okay, Mom, thats not why I called but lets roll with it.
What do you mean?
I stayed cool and collected.
Your sister and I.
Everyone hates us because of you.
Andyou didnt even see yourbrother for the last five years of his life.
Her words echoed in my ear and felt like a knife in my heart.
Narcissistic mothers intentionally give a shot to hurt their scapegoat daughters.
But understanding narcissism, I can see my moms behavior is intentional.
It is how she feels better about herself.
But loving someone does not mean we should allow them to treat us badly.
Maybe not abuse with broken bones and bruises, but still abuse.
Even if it is our own mother.
We should expect more from family.
If people like or dislike my mother or adult sister that has absolutelynothingto do with me.
Saving my brother from addiction and mental illness was not my responsibility.
My own mother making me believe for so long that it was, was cruel.
I had heard those words so many times before in person.
I lost a brother that I adored, and I feel his absence every single day.
I am strong, confident and know the truth in my heart.
I did not see my brother very often during those last years; that part is true.
Not because I didnt love him.
And that decision was between my brother and me, no one else.
My mothers spiteful reminder isnt what hurts me.
Maybe he felt I had stopped loving him.
And not knowing what he thought the last few minutes before he took his life haunts me.
But I cant change any of that.
What I was in control of then and now is what I was and am willing to accept.
To her, I am here to serve her and her needs only.
And that, friends, is an impossible task for anyone.
I dont expect most of you to understand; I just know that others experience life differently.
You dont need to say anything but try not to judge and condemn us.
Have an open mind and an open heart.
Some people in this life must make choices that you never have to make.
I understand that and know that I am sincerely happy for you.
And somewhere deep down, I hope you are happy for me.
I never want to see my mother again.
Saying that does not make me heartless or cold.
I am a good person.
What I also am is healed.
Most people, myself included, would consider it started as a minor conflict.
It was something that could have been resolved with a simple, I am sorry.
I didnt mean to hurt your feelings.
But my mother isnt capable of saying, I am sorry.
She isnt capable of a lot of things that I need.
And I am allowed to decide and so are you.
I will not feel guilty or ashamed.
Guilt and love used to work to get me to behave in a certain way, but not anymore.
