When youre older, its because the world wants something from you that you dont know how to give.
Then one night an unscheduled cell search interrupted my routine.
I began as I always do.
Geetanjal Khanna
This was the first night that someone answered: Yes.
I didnt dare open my eyes, terrified that the reality of my cell would be all I saw.
Im afraid that Im going to die in here.
Geetanjal Khanna
You are right to be afraid, the voice said.
You will die in this cell.
My whole body went tense.
If I couldnt have faith here and now, what hope did I ever have?
But that doesnt mean that this is the end.
Your body has been branded and discarded, the voice continued.
Do not waste any more time trying to save what is already lost.
The strain to look at my savior was excruciating, but some instinctual terror forbade me.
And if I dont like who Ive become, I can kill again?
I barely breathed the words.
Will I become a new person each time?
As many times as you like, purred the presence.
When youre old and tired, taking a child will let dance this mad show again.
My mind was racing, immediately disgusted but enthralled by the idea.
That will be up to me to decide.
The voice was smiling now.
I dont know how I knew, but Iknew.
I couldnt take it anymore.
If this was some sick joke, then I wanted to know before I betrayed anything more.
I opened my eyes and flung myself in a rabid dash against my cell door.
There was no-one on the other side.
No-one in the corridor which stretched open before me.
The voice did not speak to me again.
I have prayed to be a good man, and this is how my prayers were answered.
I will become a good man, but I had to find and kill him first.
Killing another inmate would be pointless.
Why start life again in another cell?
It took about a week for me to get a metal shiv that would be up to the job.
I took my victim in the yard during the bedlam of a gang squabble.
As the light bled from me and the pain dissolved into oblivion, I prayed again for forgiveness.
There was a woman leaning over my bed, shedding tears of joy that I was alright.
Her name was Mariah, and she didnt know that she was a widow now.
There was a boy who wouldnt stop wailing and laughing.
He didnt know that his father had died on that prison yard or that I had taken his place.
Was it a kindness that kept me from telling them the truth?
I lived with them for five years until I suffered a minor heart attack.
I felt like a ticking time-bomb after that.
It was time to kill again.
I wouldnt let myself get tied down like that again.
That one was famous, or another had a better house or a hotter wife.
The lives were a blur, fading in and out so quickly that I became everyone and no-one.
It turns out killing people is actually quite easy.
I wanted to experience everything that life had to offer.
One day I was a schoolgirl, the next I was a professional athlete or a race-car driver.
The point is that I saw her again at the station.
Mariah was dating again I guess she had a thing for a man in uniform.
It wasnt as easy as I thought to slip back in.
I killed her new boyfriend without trouble, but she didnt stay with me long.
I took two more bodies, trying to seduce her only to be turned away each time.
Three boyfriends later, the same story each time.
I killed each of them, only to be rejected the moment I appeared in their body.
It didnt help that she was becoming unstable.
You dont know how much it hurts me to tell you what happened next.
I didnt drive him home though.
I was taking him out into the woods where there wouldnt be a scene.
I wanted to be close to her again.
I wanted her to love me.
Get out of the car, I ordered the boy who was once my son.
I thought we were going home?
Those big, almond eyes stared at me for a long time.
Okay, I trust you, he said.
Were going to play a game, okay?
I got out of the car with him.
My hand was cramping up from flexing beside my gun.
Promise me, okay?
He closed his eyes.
Whyd you call me that?
Sorry, his little brow furrowed in deep thought.
Its just that you smell like him, only I dont feel it in my nose.
Where do you feel it?
The boy crossed his heart, still clenching his eyes shut.
I slid my gun back into its holster.
The game goes like this.
You count to a hundred while I hide.
When you open your eyes, you have to find me.
I didnt go in to see Mariah.
I just dropped him off and didnt look back.
No matter what happens from this moment on, I know this life is going to be my last.
I know it doesnt mean much, but for what its worth Im staying on as a cop.
Im going to protect that boy and his mother for the rest of my life.
And when chance or old age takes me at last, Ill deserve whatever happens to me next.
I have prayed to be a good man, and this is how my prayers are answered.
