Its two years later, and I am still trying to make sense of it all.
I replay our last conversations over and over and over again in my head.
I thought that for once, knowing that someone was ultimately going to leave would make the leaving easier.
Sinitta Leunen
I dont know why I ever thought that this would be easy.
The loss of someone or something important to you will never be easy.
you’re able to only be so prepared for something so volatile.
Sometimes in my head, I am the villain.
I am the reason for all of our problems.
I am the reason you left.
But ultimately, can you really blame either of us?
We were just two people desperately trying to navigate an almost that we wished could have been definite.
We were just two people trying to love.
Its two years later, and I think I am finally ready to admit that we both deserved better.
Neither of us were completely honest with each other.
I should have told you how much I missed you and how afraid I was for you to leave.
I should have told you how afraid I was that you would forget me.
And you, you should have told me about her.
You should have told me that you met someone.
We both deserved to know the truth.
If we both would have just been more honest, maybe we could still be friends right now.
Maybe I could believe in the possibility of our future, rather than just dream of it.
We both deserved to have a real conversation about what happened between us.
You did not deserve my jealous anger or anxiety, and I did not deserve your lies.
If the situation wasnt fine, then why did you have to tell me that it was?
We are both adults, and we are both capable of having a serious conversation.
And yet, all we did was run from the truth.
I thought that if I played cool and casual, I could actually be those things.
I was so, so wrong.
If I would have told you sooner, would things have actually been any different between us?
Could they have been any different?
Or would we have ended right then and there, just as abruptly as we began?
I will never know the exact reason why you blocked me, and maybe it is better that way.
Maybe it is better to just let our love be a lesson to do better next time.
We both deserve it.
