I couldnt even force my lips to part.
The most I could do was bob a toe, twitch a pinkie.
Its funny in a fucked up kind of way.
Unsplash / Martino Pietropoli
I paid attention to every shadow, except my own.
I never cupped my hands or pinched my fingertips to make shadow puppets sing.
I never scrutinized my own shadow, not once.
But I should have.
Maybe things would have worked out differently in December if I had.
Stumbled down the stone steps alone.
Unsplash / Martino Pietropoli
I spun around to see a light post, but nothing else.
No leftover people from the party.
No raccoons or birds or snails.
I picked up the pace, sweat dripping even in the cold air, because something still felt off.
I felt like I was missing something obvious.
Something that should have been right there in front of me.
And I had that same feeling walking home from the party that night.
Like I was looking, but not seeing.
I chugged it on the walk back to my room, wondering why the hell things still felt off.
I settled onto my comforter and glanced around the slightly spinning room.
At the corkboard on my wall.
At the desk situated beneath it.
At the potted plant in the corner.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
It looked like a knitting needle with thread looped around the eye, attached to a thick black spool.
The bird shadows flying off the walls and pecking out my eyes.
I worked my hardest to remain relaxed, because Id seen documentaries on this key in of thing.
It must have been sleep paralysis.
The fingers curved like a mitten, rounded without any separation between digits.
I waited for the hallucination to vanish.
Tried to will it away.
To force it out of reality and back into my subconscious.
I felt the prick.
Felt my flesh pull.
Felt the hole grow as the needle squeezed through it.
The process repeated itself again and again.
The pain pulsed through my entire body, searing my throat, pounding my head, clogging my ears.
It hurt all over.
Every inch of me stung.
I imagined that was what dying felt like but that was another symptom of sleep paralysis.
Feeling like you were dying.
My eyesight faded away and when it jolted back, I was staring at the ceiling.
At the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the paint overhead.
I felt better, numb but better, and thought it was finally over.
That the dream had ended.
But when I tried to sit up, nothing happened.
I couldnt lift my body.
Couldnt lift an arm or a leg.
Couldnt even twitch a pinkie or a toe.
How long did sleep paralysis last?
Could it still be going on?
Could I be trapped in a cycle of nightmares?
I kept asking myself questions I had no idea how to answer until I saw something towering above me.
A mirror image of me.
The same hair, same eyes, same waist and boobs and butt.
I acted as her shadow.
To step into my place and force me into her place.
Now, I have no mouth to speak or smile or scream.
