Fuck you for letting me go and fuck me for letting myself fall for you.
By
Updated 5 years ago,February 26, 2020
Im so angry.
Im angry that your fear is stronger than your love for me.
Eric Ward
Im angry that I cant somehow make you love me the way that I want.
I adore you, you idiot.
I adore you in your darkest, lowest moments.
Mostly, Im angry because Im so hurt.
I cant force you to love me the way I deserve, and I absolutely hate that.
Im also angry because every time I think Ive chosen more wisely, I turn out to be wrong.
Im always mistaken, and I still cant recognize the warning signs.
I abandoned myself to love you.
Its difficult to forgive myself for that, but forgive myself I will.
Maybe this time its finally clear to me that there is no shortcut to healing.
I will always grasp at hearts that have no room for me.
I will hope that someone who holds me at arms length from the beginning will magically change.
The truth is that if I were to look in from an outsiders perspective, I would pity myself.
And yet, I am that person.
I let myself betray my own heart in the hopes Id gain the validation of someone elses affection.
Letting go has never been my strong suit.
Though I know that we could not continue on the way we were headed, I miss you horribly.
That makes me angrier still.
Im just not that person.
Im angry that I let myself love again, falling into the same old inevitable trap.
Im angry that I am trapped in yet another demoralizing dance with heartbreak.
I keep trying to feel grateful, or free, or relieved.
Im just fucking sad.
