I actually gotpaidto spend time with the bounciest, fluffiest dog in the universe.
Lucky me, right?
I thought so too.
Ihor Saveliev
But whats that phrase people like to throw around?
Social media shows off everyones greatest hits but not their behind-the-scenes?
Like, they were starting to scare me they sucked so much.
It started in the bathroom.
Like the rest of the house, it had the works.
A mirror that lights up when you apply your makeup.
Speakers in the walls to play any music you ask Alexa.
A heated toilet seat that keeps you cozy while youre doing your business.
It went from warm to scolding in two seconds flat.
I jumped onto my feet as fast as possible, but it was too late.
When I checked their full-length mirror, I had burn marks spread across my thighs and cheeks.
The next few times I had to pee, I hovered.
The next few hours were completely fine.
But they didnt want him to get lonely, they wanted him to socialize.
So I played fetch in their backyard.
I tugged his rope toys and spread peanut butter on a bone.
Taking care of him was easy peasy.
Things didnt get weird again until I tried taking care ofmyself.
All I wanted was some Mac and Cheese.
I had an entire fridge of gourmet food but couldnt hide my twenty-five-year-old, poor-kid cravings.
I put a pot underneath the sink and it filled automatically, stopping in exactly the right spot.
Then I moved the pot onto the stove and it started cooking without me programming a thing.
So I left it alone like an idiot.
Maybe I was supposed to program the timer myself.
Maybe I shouldnt have relied on the smart home to handle everything on its own.
Either way, it was too late for the what-ifs.
The thing caught on fire.
A small fire, not enough to set off alarms, but still a fire.
I tore apart cabinets searching for an extinguisher and thats when the dog started barking.
The house heard and spoke to him with a preprogrammed message.
Dont worry, my boss voice said.
Were going to be home soon, bud.
And an extra bone dropped into his dish.
That put the obvious idea in my head.
I shouldtalkto the house.
I started screaming random commands.
I dont know which one worked but ceiling sprayers went off.
Water sprinkled over the stove.
The dog was perfectly happy, munching on his bone, while my stomach growled.
I dumped my burnt dinner and settled on eating some leftover Halloween candy found in the cupboard.
Who needed lunch anyway?
I would wait a few hours and order Postmates for dinner.
In the meantime, I decided to shower.
To forget about all my fuckups.
I chose my ideal water temperature and water pressure and playlist.
I stepped inside the cube.
The shower was glass on all four sides.
Like something you would see in a magazine.
But slowly, the water got a little hotter.
And a little hotter.
And a little hotter.
Stop, I said.
Cold water, kindly.
In another minute, it grew from uncomfortably warm to as scalding as the toilet seat.
There would be burns across my entire body if I stayed in for much longer.
I tried to push out the door, but it wouldnt budge.
No no no, I said.
The music turned off instead.
It was replaced by a female voice.
Her preprogrammed message consisted of seven words: I know youve been fucking my husband.
Then the door unlocked.
The water sputtered to a stop.
I scrambled out of the shower, dripping wet.
After all, shes right.
I screwed with her family.
I slept my way into her fancy house.
Maybe I deserved all this bullshit.
I dont know… All I know is, Im never fucking with a smart home again.
