I will no longer let your approval control me.
I will not chase what is not meant to be.
I will focus on me and me alone.
Nick Bulanovv
By
Updated 6 years ago,January 7, 2019
I will no longer let your approval control me.
I will not chase what is not meant to be.
I will focus on me and me alone.
I will be selfish for the first time.
I will let go, but I wont forget.
That is all I can promise so far.
I am not a firm believer that you change overnight.
I do not believe December 31st, 2018 me will be much different than January 1st, 2019 me.
I will do what I always do.
I will distract myself; I will drown myself in work.
I will be and do everything I could have wanted and I will pretend this is enough.
I will act like my photos around the world make me look worldly and not lost.
I will act like my adventures are worth missing my home.
I will continue to find new ways to outdo my success.
I will find a million new ways to cover up being empty.
I will wear this mask.
I will be so busy I will not even notice all this wasted effort.
I will be too tired to care.
You will think,How does she do it?She does it because she has to.
It is the only way she knows how to befulfilled.
I pretend to let you go, but secretly I want you to notice.
I want you to see how well I am doing without you.
I want to be better than who I was with you.
So technically I have not let you go.
You are the back of my mind.
You are my motivation.
You are my drive to be better.
What I should do is justlet go,breathe, and learn to be happy again.
I cant do that.
I am not good at relaxing.
I need to see success to believe it.
I will use you like you used me.
I will turn this depression into progression.
I will make something good out of nothing.
Eventually time will pass.
Sooner rather than later, each success will seem less rewarding.
Everything will become just another trophy on my shelf.
I will feel a temporary happiness.
I am really good at finding temporary happiness.
Once that feeling fades, I will just fill that void again until there is no more room.
I sit in a sea of stuff that now just feels shallow.
Everything once shiny lost its lustre.
Once I have filled myself with nothing, I can breathe I can let go.
I am now ready to let go of you.
I have done everything I pretended I wanted.
I have done everything to distract myself.
I am ready for a change that could scare me.
I am willing to lose control to grow.
I am scared to get out of my comfort zone but I know I need to.
I am done avoiding, I am done distracting myself, I am done self-sabotaging.
I am done using you (even if it temporarily motivated me).
I dont even need you for that anymore.
I can push myself without the need of proving something to you.
My accomplishments and goals are just for me now.
I have finally learned to let you go.
