I believe theres something here.
I believed you when you said there was.
By
Updated 6 years ago,July 6, 2019
I love this time of year.
God & Man
The weather is as close to perfection as it will ever get in Texas, at least for me.
Around this time of year, I become a little more disenchanted with my solitude.
It transforms into something that feels a lot more like loneliness, something that hurts just a little bit.
For what was, for what wasnt, for what could be, for what is yet to be.
I woke up at 3:43 a.m. last night.
The spray for deep sleep still fresh on my cold pillow.
Lavender, patchouli, chamomile, camphor, and lemongrass invading all of my senses.
Still, it felt like it was only just you I had been touching and smelling.
My treacherous fingers fought my urge for pride and wanted to text you to tell you I miss you.
Id just woken up from a dream of you.
I do that often, you know.
You were saying my hair was still wild, still so big, still so beautiful after cutting it.
You asked me if I really wasnt aware of how sexy I was.
I looked at you and did that thing where I just smile and saykiss me.
Im always thinking about that, you know.
I dont know where we were.
It was somewhere unfamiliar but that felt a lot like home.
Its what your eyes scream when they look at me.
And I was sure again.
I pulled away from your kiss and said:This is all I ever really wanted, you know.
The kind of love she wanted me to have if I couldnt have anything else.
It was just a dream, but I could feel that kind of thing.
That kind of magic.
That kind of love.
The kind that feels like youre always carrying around hope like a birthmark.
Like safety is always in your back pocket.
I could feel myself wearing warmth the way I wear my grandmothers ring.
I could feel that Id never have to write about anything that wasnt light again.
I dont want to feel this way.
I am afraid of it.
I promised myself Id never feel anything with even a slight resemblance to love again.
Im afraid of anything that would mean Id be giving someone power to hurt me.
The truth is you already have it.
The truth is you already are.
One of my favorite movies growing up wasPractical Magic.
She asked for a man with one eye green and one eye blue.
I made up my own spell when I was ten, but unlike her, I wanted my prince.
Neon eyes I cant stop dreaming about.
Maybe its all coincidence.
But I cant help but wonder why Ive come across yours.
I cant help but wonder if she was speaking of fortune or warning.
Youve gotten under my skin.
Ive tried cleansing myself from every thought of you.
Ive told myself to let it be.
Ive drank and danced and flirted with other men.
Ive taken baths with special oils and herbs to banish you.
I still cant stop dreaming of you.
I dont want to feel any of these things for you.
I want to fall asleep and see anything and anyone else.
I want to lay in bed with my hands between my thighs and see someone elses face.
I just cant stop dreaming of you.
Take me away to somewhere only you and I will know.
Even if its just for a little while, remind me, dont let me forget.
