I knew a good, well-intentioned man would stop the first time I asked.
Im not an idiot I knew what was happening.
Still, despite my promise to myself to take things slow, I went.
Andrew Dong
I told myself we would just cuddle and talk.
I would stop him if things went too far.
I knew what I did and did not want to do.
Andrew Dong
The truth was, I felt conflicted.
Im a very physical person and I hadnt had any romantic contact with a man in a long time.
It might sound silly, but I wanted to cuddle.
I wanted to feel appreciated.
I wanted to be touched.
Human contact is so important and when Im single I dont get much.
I end up craving it in my body in a primal, instinctive way.
Still, Id made a decision.
I was going to take things at a snails pace, especially on dates with complete strangers.
I knew this would be the best way to figure out a guys true motives.
I wanted to weed out those men who only aimed to get laid.
I wanted a man who truly put in the effort to build something real with me.
This particular guy and I had spent a few hours together that evening.
Wed discussed books and life and family issues.
Wed been fairly open and honest with one another.
He was a grown man.
Id explain and he would understand.
I was so very wrong.
Id forgotten there are men out there who will say and do anything to get laid.
They lure you in and make you feel comfortable.
They allude to a possible future so you think that they have genuine interest.
They open up to you about their lives so you think that they like you enough to trust you.
Maybe I shouldve seen the warning signs, but we had a lot in common.
Wed read all the same books.
He appeared to be a responsible adult.
I wanted so badly to finally meet someone in this big lonely city who honestly liked me for myself.
So, I followed him, albeit cautiously.
He laughed at me and tried to pull me closer, but I resisted.
I told him I didnt want to kiss him yet.
He assured me that he understood.
Five minutes later he was shoving his hands down my pants, grabbing my bare ass with no hesitation.
I pushed him off me, and he allowed it.
I restated my position.
I made it clear that I was not okay with his aggressive behavior.
I shouldve told him off.
I knew it was wrong.
He treated the whole situation like a trivial game.
It wasnt about me at all.
It was bewildering exactly as it was meant to be, I imagine.
I felt like I could control kissing to some extent.
I shouldve gotten up and left a hundred times, but I didnt.
I managed to taper things off to a point where I felt safe excusing myself and leaving the premises.
That had been my first and biggest mistake going into his house at all.
Even as I told him I was leaving, he tried to get me to stay the night.
I refused but still weirdly felt that I had to be nice about it.
I let him walk me to my car like he was my boyfriend.
I let him kiss me goodbye at my car … like he was my boyfriend.
I felt disgusting inside.
That girl, that simpering, laughingly protesting, polite-in-the-face-of-repulsive-harassment girl shes not who I am.
Not one little bit.
I slept terribly that night and tossed and turned all morning.
The longer I thought about it, the dirtier and more violated I felt.
Try as I might, I still cant shake that evening.
Most of all, I cant dismiss the uneasy feeling that something deeper is wrong.
Ive tried to rationalize it but the sickness in the pit of my stomach simply wont dissipate.
Im beginning to feel as if Im repressing memories of something damaging that happened to me.
Why did I react the way I did?
Why have I let other men abuse me sexually in the past?
Why dont I stand up for myself when it comes to issues of physical intimacy?
Right now Im not sure how to answer any of those questions for myself.
I remember drunk men lunging at me on the sidewalk when I was barely a teenager.
I remember being sexualized at age eleven because I reached puberty and developed generously-sized breasts.
I dont know why Ive conditioned myself to react the way I do.
All I know is that it stops now.
Whatever did or did not happen to me in the past, I wont let it happen again.
Next time a man pushes me, Im going to stand up for myself.
Not everyone gets that chance.
I wont take it for granted again.
