I hurt myself and say Im unworthy of love.
So I can feel useful and somehow better about myself.
I think for women, theres still a stigma for not being nurturing or caring enough.
Callie Morgan
Oh, and to smile all the damn time.
Im also very competitive.
I bite off more than I can chew.
Im afraid of failure.
Im afraid of not measuring up or proving that I can be more than what I am now.
Being a people pleaser and being competitive dont go well together.
I thought I could fake it until I made it.
I feel like a hypocrite.
I dont share things with others because Im afraid of them rejecting me.
Im afraid of stepping out of line.
Im afraid of not being accepted for who I am.
I cant talk about how Miyazaki is so much better than Disney because thats sacrilegious to most people.
I cant share some underrated classic rock songs I genuinely like because not many people can relate to them.
I dont think Im that likable compared to other people.
Im not sweet or meek.
I dont say smooth, buttery words.
I hate kissing ass to people who are above me.
Im quite crass and brutally honest.
Im harsh and quick to point out bullshit from others (and myself).
And Im tired of it.
Im tired of holding myself back.
Im tired of denying myself my own power.
Im tired of trying to stay as small, bland, and agreeable as possible.
Im tired of living under the shadow of people I admire.
I realize that self-discovery isnt about following a perfect productivity routine.
Its full of dead ends and dark, twisting tunnels with no hope of light at the end.
I cant be marketable if Im too weird and unappealing.
But Im here to be myself.
I came to live, not to be liked, but to be unapologetically myself.
I want to let myself like what I like without restraint.
I want to love who I am and stop torturing myself for not meeting the expectations of others.
And I encourage you all to do the same.
