Stick to doing nice things for others when it also makes you happy.
By
Updated 7 years ago,April 14, 2018
Theres nothing quite like the beginning of a relationship.
Youre smitten as a kitten and about as terrified as a mouse all at the same time.
Priscilla Du Preez
Do they like you as much as you like them?
Do you even like them or are they just tall?
You definitely like them.
Ok, but is it going anywhere?
And if it is, are you ready for that?
ARE YOU????
Priscilla Du Preez
This might be brand new territory for you, or it might be your seventh relationship this year.
Of course this phase is typically when youre meeting each others friends, parents, and family.
Its all very exciting.
But its also exceptionally crucial for setting the tone for the rest of your firsts.
And once those patterns are set, its really difficult to change them out.
Scary, right?!
Its critical to be mindful of the dynamics you are setting when you are still getting to know someone.
These patterns can be as harmless and doing certain favors for each other e.g.
one partner always doing the laundry while the other always cooks.
That particular pattern may be exactly what works for the relationship.
But somehow…six months later…its expected.
Changing it up now would be weird!
And I mean come on, you dont want to be a bitch about it.
And thats where we get ourselves into trouble.
Yall, this is a small pattern that is easier to break than others.
Its easy to get into a lopsided situation if youre trying to impress each other early on.
So be mindful of your values.
This will decrease any frustrations and increase a charitable nature between you two.
And, above all else, communicate EARLY and OFTEN.
You do not need to hold back your voice because you are afraid of sounding inconsiderate or demanding.
It will save you and your relationship from feelings of resentment, bitterness, and burn out.
Im comin at ya hot: DEAL BREAKERS AND ULTIMATUMS ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
However they are supes easy to get confused.
So lets go over them.
Otherwise known as, if you dont agree with something I really need, I cannot continue forward.
One has manipulation smeared all over it, and the other is full of honesty and authenticity.
We want different things.
One is a threat, and the other is a conversation.
Or pretty much any other thing you’re free to think of.
Instead, learn to talk about your deal breakers in a healthy manner.
Get the courage to talk about your expected timeline for marriage and babies (or lack thereof).
And definitely do not hold back when it comes to religion or finances.
Sharing your values does not mean you are threatening the relationship.
Everyone knows that were all on our bestest behavior in the early stages of a relationship.
When you start being yourself and forget that youre trying to impress someone.
Thats what I like to focus on.
Because in those moments, youre finally seeing the real them.
And youre finally seeing the real you.
The question is, do these two people match up together?
But if you are seeing qualities that give you pause, explore them.
Do your due diligence and listen to your gut.
If something seems off now, I can almost guarantee youre right.
Admit it: you have played games in a relationship before.
All of us have.
Dating prompts a lot of self-doubt.
We build desire for ourselves by not answering right away or by acting uninterested.
But when we actually start a full blown RELATIONSHIP with somebody oh, man.
Our defense mechanisms go bananas.
They are telling us to do everything.in.our.power.
to hold on as tightly as we possibly can!
We found a human who likes us!
DONT BE DESPERATE DONT BE CLINGY DONT LET THEM KNOW YOURE THAT INTO THEM BE COOL OK?
And thus begins the self-sabotage.
Games attract other game-players.
They instill a culture of deception and a floor of eggshells until one of you breaks.
Because trust me, one of you will break.
Games are not meant to be permanent; they are meant to hook someone.
And ideally, once someone is deeply hooked, theyll stay even when youve left your games behind.
But do those relationships actually work?
Not in my experience.
And not in most of my clients experiences, either.
You cannot keep up your games forever.
At some point youre going to want the freedom and flexibility to answer a text in a timely manner.
Youre going to want to know if you actually have plans on Friday night.
Youre going to be exhausted from thinking of clever comebacks.
Plus now youre intertwined with someone who actually LIKES that behavior from you!
So leave the games behind.
Ah, the mother of all wisdom.
Brene Browns claim to fame (love her).
This is where all the good stuff comes from.
And this is where you gotta make yourself comfortable.
Being vulnerable is the life source of your relationship happiness.
Its also scary AF.
Your partner cant truly know who you are until you accomplish those three things and its a process.
Practicing vulnerability early on in relationships will build security and resilience for future obstacles together.
You will have to be honest with yourself and honest with them.
What if they run away?
What if they reject you?
What if its a deal breaker?
I cant guarantee it will go smoothly every time.
But I can say this for sure: you are not a deal breaker.
But you cant know who those special people are until you share yourself with them.
It takes trial and error, practice, and a shit ton of work, but its worth it.
