Loneliness is an opportunity to look inside and ask ourselves what we need.
No longer anesthetized by five different kinds of hard-bar, the familiar hollowness quietly expanded in my chest.
As Rumi says, The cure for the pain is in the pain.
Toa Heftiba
(I think cure is ambitious).
Loneliness is a pervasive theme with my clients.
Whether theyre presenting with an eating disorder or depression, loneliness lurks beneath the surface.
But regardless of gender, were not supposed to feel lonely, society says.
Were supposed to independent; alone but not lonely; confident in our singledom and solitude.
An admission of loneliness is an admission of neediness; of immaturity;of pathology.
The sobering reality is our culture breeds isolation (and therefore loneliness).
We value productivity over socializing; confidence over vulnerability.
The way we commute is isolating.
The way we parent is isolating.
The way we work is isolating.
And yet we bury our loneliness, wearing veneers of happiness and perfection and touting gratitude and positivity.
Ive had ample therapy.
Ive done more than a thousand yoga classes.
Ive taken several intensive meditation courses and have studied Buddhism and its complementary philosophies for years.
Im buddies with Deepak.
And you know what?
I still experience loneliness.
So rather than vainly attempting to achieve eternal connectedness, Ive learned to deal with loneliness when it arises.
Heres how:
1.
Pause before pathologizing loneliness.
Feeling lonely is a normal, natural part of being a human.
But heres the thing: I bet youre responding to (healthy, normal) loneliness with judgment.
And now youre not only experiencing (healthy, normal) loneliness, youre experiencing shame and anxiety.
We tend to internalize the voices of society (and parents, partners, siblings, bullies, etc.
), interpreting loneliness as a sign of pathology or weakness.
This is no bueno.
Play with giving yourself permission to feel lonely for a moment, and notice what happens.
Instead, get to know it closely.
There are times now where I can make space for the feeling and approach it with curiosity and compassion.
So pull a Rumi and attempt to notice loneliness when it arisesmaybe even welcome it, knowing its temporary.
(for this gal, following a situationship breakup).
What does loneliness tell me?
Where do I feel loneliness in my body?
What do I need right now?
More on this shortly.
Dont let shame take the reins.
For me, loneliness can quickly transform into shame.
See loneliness as an opportunity for awakening.
Our difficult emotions are some of our wisest teachers.
And the more we practice self-compassion, the more we rewire our brains to default to it over self-criticism.
Loneliness is also an opportunity for deepening our belief in a collective consciousness.
Finally, loneliness is an opportunity to look inside and ask ourselves what we need.
So many of us our turned off from our needs.
In turning inward to our loneliness, we can explore different avenues to authentic connection.
Consider where it’s possible for you to architect moments of connection.
The former are ways I connect to myself and to the collective consciousness in moments of loneliness.
Its nice to have one handy for those low moments everything feels hard.
But I dont fear it.
If said loneliness arises, Ill try not to judge, resent, or run from it.
And I urge you to do the same.
And then even in our loneliness, were in this together.
