How do I do it, you ask?
LADIES, c’mon, it’s so easy!
Just sell your soul and accept you’ll never be truly fulfilled.
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And drink lemon water.
Someone help me, my mouth tastes like blood.
HOW do I do it?
How do I have it all!?
Ladies, here are my secrets:
For one thing, I am miserable all the time.
Cheers to that, am I right?
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Ah, theres really nothing like waking up in the morning and dreading the rest of your existence.
And I do it every day!
It is SO vital to stick to a routine.
He loves me exactly for who I make him think I am.
I need to have ice cold water with freshly squeezed lemon.
Id drink bleach if it meant that Id never age!
I know what youre thinking: Whats even the point?
Am I whining again?
I HAVE IT ALL, I AM BETTER THAN YOU.
I havent felt anything, both physically and emotionally, in 14 years.
I have avocado toast for breakfast.
As Im eating, I extract a small part of my soul and Venmo it to Satan himself.
I massage thousands of dollars worth of beauty products into my tired, sagging flesh.
I smile in my vanity mirror as I do this, showing off my fake, perfect teeth.
I have fake teeth because I ground my real ones down to the gum from stress.
It was for the best, because NOW I HAVE IT ALL.
My husband finally rises and demands breakfast.
I make him and my 2.5 genetically flawless children a magnificent feast.
As Im cooking, I also solve 19 different problems my company needs fixing.
Exhausted reading that?I literally want to die.
For lunch, I just gulp down some air.
I sit at my Powerful Woman Office Desk and take a moment to really inhale aggressively.
If Im not hot, then whats the point?
I do a sheet mask and then put out some fires.
Both literal and metaphorical.
My organs are shutting down.
The rest of the afternoon is dedicated to Business.
I look so good in a pantsuit.
I am taken seriously!
I inject youth serums into my veins in the womens bathroom before big meetings.
I cant remember the last time I blinked.
My mouth tastes like blood a lot of the time.
Before making dinner, I like to cocoon myself in cashmere.
I stare out my giant window, thankful for all that Ive accomplished.
Soon, at dawn, I will have to do it all over again.
you could have it all!
