Its for past mes romanticized version of the future.
By
Updated 5 years ago,December 22, 2019
I would describe myself as a sentimental person.
I love getting Snapchat or Facebook notifications about memories that happened years ago.
Sharon McCutcheon
My issue is that I long for experiences Ive never had.
Times Ive never lived through.
No, this is different, I promise.
When I was growing up, I always felt on the periphery of friendship groups.
Never quite settled in, never the center of attention.
I was the shy one, the nice one.
I spent most of my childhood playing video games and watching cartoons because they were solitary activities.
She didnt begrudge me that (I hope).
Going to town on shopping trips, going to theme parks, having board game nights.
As I got older, my confidence grew, and I found my circle of friends.
I have a lovely group of people at home who I trust and love very deeply.
I felt like I mattered to people.
But jazz piano and fairy lights happened four times at most.
My time at university was largely plagued with trauma, arguments, loneliness, and suicidality.
Despite how wonderful they were, I still felt on the periphery of my university friendship group.
It isnt their fault, but I was isolated.
Most days I settled into my own company.
I felt like a burden to those around me, like I didnt deserve them.Thisis my university experience.
Only marginally better than high school.
But Ive never lived this experience.
But this has never happened.
My first Halloweennotspent alone in my room was also this year.
But my nostalgia isnt for these times.
It isnt for the crowded bedrooms that were just bordering on uncomfortably full.
It isnt for the awkward joint calendars that just never aligned.
I get sentimental over everything these memories werent.
What Im saying is I look back at my past with a deep sense of unfulfillment.
My childhood, my adolescence, and my early adulthood all are broken, tainted, ruined.
The positives dont matterall I can see are their imperfections.
Its for past mes romanticized version of the future.
Its for the version of my life in which I had the experiences I thought I would.
Where everything went to plan, so to speak.
My past is in sepia now.
I cant change it.
As such, there are two things Im trying to do.
1.Dont regret what didnt happen, but be thankful for what did.
I will never have made the right decision.
2.Allow my longing of the past to influence my present.
Maybe I didnt grow up on board game nights.
Maybe I never played video games online.
But that doesnt mean I will never have that.
Im 22, for fucks sake.
Theres time to make these memories happen.
Being frustrated at the past doesnt need to be an unproductive emotion any more.
I can turn it into a motivator; I can allow myself to make a more positive present.
I still struggle with allowing myself to be happy in the present.
Im probably destined to always be the sentimental one, the one whos nostalgic over events that havent transpired.
Rose-tinted glasses arent the only color of lens available anymore.
We may as well control what were nostalgic over in 50 years.
So whatdoyou do when youre nostalgic for a life youve never had?
Buy fairy lights and go to Christmas markets with your friends.
This has been a PSA.
