I was in a relationship and it didnt exactly work out.
It happens all the time, right?
But this relationship was different.
Dave Goudreau
It was a real turning point with respect to how I felt about myself and my life.
I cant say that for every relationship Ive been in.
We learn things but we dont always change things as a result.
Red flags.I was completely out of my element and confused almost from day one.
So I hung in there.
We didnt treat each other well.
He didnt treat ME well.
I still have it.
I stopped counting after it exceeded 100.
I cringe now to read it, knowing how much I compromised my integrity and my family by staying.
Unfortunately, at the time, that black and white reality wasnt enough.
I didnt just sit there.
I gave it back too.
I was too stunned and found myself making excuses for his behaviours often.
He was in the military and had served several deployments overseas that were shrouded in secrecy.
), and his text came in.
I was trying to distance myself, which never really worked out well.
It said, Maybe it would be easier if I didnt return after my deployment.
If I didnt make it.
I knew I was being manipulated but there I was, sucked in once again.
My head and my heart were a complete mess.
I gave and I gave and I gave until eventually, my true self couldnt hold back.
…another red flag…thats probably not me.
I used to fear it.
Feel guilty about it.
Ive kicked it around.
Looked under and over and through it.
Pondered where it came from and what causes it to be revealed.
It took a while to work through the damage.
What I only just realized though is…
It hasnt helped me move past forgiving him…or forgetting.
I couldnt help thinking it.
He didnt want someone elses kids.
He wanted his own.
WTF happened to that grand statement???
If he hadnt been?
My boundaries and priorities were crystal clear.
I hadnt given him much thought since that time but I was happy to hear from him.
It was nice to reconnect.
Hes happily married, has kids and is a police officer now.
It stung me to the core.
I wouldnt give him the time of day.
The dam of hurt and frustration broke.
HOW COULD YOU?!
YOU SL*T!
YOURE NOTHING BUT A SL*T!
How I didnt get into trouble from one of the teachers is beyond me.
I certainly didnt use words like that.
I stuffed it down.
But clearly, he didnt.
I was part of his growth.
I told him it was so long ago and it was okay.
He didnt want to hear it.
It wasnt okay and he needed me to know that he knew that.
He asked for my forgiveness, hoped one day to be my friend.
A sincere action that likely wont ever occur.
Do I really need an apology to forgive him?
On hold, shaping my thoughts and emotions, 20+ years out?
Incomplete things keep calling you back to the past to take care of them.
Heres the unfortunate and powerfully destructive truth of being incomplete: it keeps the past alive.
That apology Ive been secretly holding out for, might be 20+years in the making, who knows?
But then again, who cares?
He and I might never be on the same conscious plane and then what?
Now its your turn.
Are you waiting for an apology?
Do you need one?
