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Updated 1 year ago,January 16, 2024
Trigger Warning.
This essay details one writers experience with suicidal ideation.
Im suicidal, but I dont want to die.
Darrin Henein
I do think about killing myself and have even made plans.
The clinical psychological term for this is called suicidal ideation.
This means wanting to take your own life or thinking about suicide.
There are two kinds of suicidal ideation: passive and active.
Some psychiatrists suggest that passive suicidal ideation can be therapeutic.
And while Its most beneficial to talk to someone or write about what youre going through.
Not many people know about my suicidal ideation or its extent.
Im writing about it now because I know its something that a lot of people struggle with.
A staggering 800,000 people die of suicide worldwide each year.
And even greater number of people have suicidal ideations at least once.
My hope is to create a dialogue.
I want to show that its both acceptable and beneficial to openly talk about mental illness and suicide.
This is how we raise awareness and help eliminate stigma.
I have C-PTSD, OCD, and panic disorder.
These conditions give extreme anxiety, and times where I feel uncomfortable in my own body and mind.
And so, on my worst days, I often think about suicide.
I do have a history of self-harm, and suicidal acts with intention.
But Ive never tried to kill myself, and I can always talk myself out of wanting to.
For me, most of the time theres a trigger.
Something that makes me sad, angry, or lonely.
Something that I cant easily ignore or change.
Physical symptoms often start to occur.
Sometimes it starts in my eyes.
They get blurry, or I get a dark veil over them.
I rub them a lot to make a run at relieve it, but it doesnt work.
Sometimes I just sit with them closed.
I can function in my apartment, but usually, Ill attempt to lay down.
I might have a go at wear my glasses or take a pain reliever in case its a headache.
I dont always recognize the anxiety and panic at first.
My first thought is usually that Im getting physically sick.
Sometimes it starts as a pressure in my head.
It feels like my head is being squeezed and might pop.
Not like a headache, but a fluid punch in pressure.
I press my hands on the sides of my head, rub my temples, or lay down.
Sometimes it starts in my flesh.
It feels like my skin is tingling and burning.
It feels hot, like its crawling or dry.
I shower, use lotion, or open a window just to make my skin feel differently.
Ill take my temperature in case I have a fever.
Ill check my blood pressure.
Sometimes Ill make a run at eat or go for a quick walk depending on the severity.
Usually in this situation I think Im just having a hot flash.
Sometimes it starts in my muscles.
My legs get sore and tight.
I feel like I need to move them.
I get irritable because no amount of movement can stretch out the muscles.
I feel restless and have to keep moving.
Sometimes this will keep me awake at night.
Ill make a run at go for a walk or run in place.
Ill give a shot to dance.
Ill take a stab at sit or lay in different positions.
Ill start to exhibit compulsions from my OCD, such as cleaning and organizing.
Ill move as much as I can, to the point of exhaustion.
Sometimes it starts in my lungs: my chest and back hurt.
I breathe very quickly but cant get a full breath.
I desperately want a big, deep breath, but I cant seem to make that happen.
I get scared that Im going to pass out, so I remain still.
Unfortunately, the stillness allows me to ruminate.
This causes compulsive body scanning, which is never helpful.
I feel like Im going to vomit.
Sometimes I have diarrhea when it gets bad.
I usually take antacids or nausea medicine in this case.
I drink ginger ale.
If its day time or the night before an appointment, I cancel my plans.
These symptoms are the ones I hate the most because they trigger my phobias.
These symptoms always result in a panic attack, forcing me to take medication.
It is only at this point I know that I am, without a doubt, having severe anxiety.
If my anxiety isnt extreme I usually think its something else entirely.
No matter how it starts, intrusive thoughts eventually set in.
It might begin with an idea that I should tell people Im dying, or that Im hurt.
I believe this is where the stigma of mental illness comes in.
Some people have confused reaching out with attention seeking.
This really hurts because these experiences are beyond the control of the one suffering through them.
Ignorance of mental illness and its severity at this moment can literally be a matter of life or death.
At the very least, are we not all deserving of compassion?
I might start thinking about the process of psychiatric evaluations.
Theyre long and tedious, but they dont get the whole picture.
Evaluations often leave people feeling scared, and even worse about themselves.
I think about trying different medications.
I think about taking a break from my own reality.
I think about calling the crisis hotline.
I think about reaching out to a friend for help.
Someone who will understand, not judge, and not tick me off in that moment.
Someone who will show up.
Someone who will sit with me.
Or they victim blame me, and I just cant bear to go through that in this moment.
In extreme cases I do call the crisis hotline, or my therapist.
But usually they dont offer much relief from the problem Im dealing with.
But with my mental illness I know there is no quick fix.
I know these words are temporary.
I know tomorrow morning Ill wake up to face the exact same thing that left me so exhausted tonight.
Lack of support in times like this is what triggers the thought of how alone I am.
Going to bed in this mindset makes me feel like I need to do something extreme to get attention.
And then I think about how no one would notice if I was dead anyway.
By this time my mental illness has already run away with its ideas.
My best hope is to calm the negative voices.
This is when I revisit old suicide plans or make new ones.
This is when I might write goodbye letters to loved ones.
This is when I wonder how hard it is to get a gun.
I wonder if I could jump in front of a train, or a truck.
I wonder if I could walk into the lake and freeze to death or drown.
What if I cut deep enough?
What if I found a way to overdose?
Could I jump from the roof or window?
Could I hang myself?
This is when I say goodbye to friends or tell people I love them.
I dont offer any further explanation.
Sometimes I tell people Im leaving for a while and cant be reached by phone.
I almost always give a shot to say goodbye though.
I desperately seek someone to recognize my pain in these moments.
Today, though, I decided Id write what I was feeling as it was happening.
Today, I tried something new.
I dont feel cured; the thoughts are still there.
But now theyre written.
I dont have to keep ruminating.
Today, I didnt hurt myself.
Today, I didnt take the medications.
I didnt lay down.
I didnt say goodbye to anyone.
I didnt write any letters or call for help.
Today I just wrote it down, and let it go.
I guess, today I won.
