Underneath every complaint is a desire.
Complaining is everywhere, and underneath it all is really just a need for human connection.
Joy and gratitude are vulnerable emotions to express.
Photo byTai’s CapturesonUnsplash
Weve been trained to connect with each other around misery and problems and to act without thinking.
Were trained to turn to complaining for connection.
What do you do when complaints show up in your romantic relationships?
Maybe theyll handle it on their own…
Checking out and being passive about complaints will not lead to increased connection, intimacy, or trust.
Your partner will likely not feel taken care of and not feel theyre being heard and seen by you.
A passive approach could end up unraveling the connection altogether.
Here are some places to start.
They so often want to go straight to pointing the finger and make it about the other persons behavior.
I ask them, Whats your desire underneath this complaint?
What all of those complaints have in common is that they share the common desire for connection.
It feels more honest and like the situation is less charged.
Behind every complaint, there is someones desire and truth.
Were looking for support in something we feel powerless over.
This thing is out of control and is having a negative impact on my life.
Can you learn to listen more carefully to your own complaints and to those of your partner and others?
What is it that you are hearing or what it is that they are really saying?
Its whats going on inside them.
Ask yourself what theyre saying they feel victimized by.
The truth is, you always have power, even if it doesnt feel like it.
When you hear yourself complaining, ask yourself, What am I really saying I feel victimized by?
Or when you hear your partner complaining, check in and examine, What might be underneath this complaint?
Get curious; is there anything you’re able to do to change this?
Most people want to help and offer solutions and will potentially come in to help save you.
Complaining masks vulnerability, desire, and joy.
Joy is our most natural essence, yet so often, we avoid letting ourselves tap into it.
When were vulnerable, were setting ourselves up to either be dropped, misunderstood, or rejected completely.
I had a partner who was very sensitive to this.
Hed say, Molly, you feel very far right now, whats going on?
Remember, at the end of the day, were all looking for connection.
