I let my fear of being alone get the best of me.
That was nine boyfriends ago.
We didnt have a full-on affair; we didnt even have sex.
Liliya Dyulgerov
But we cuddled on my couch, and I let him squeeze my butt a few times.
Id always dreaded being cheated on, but here I was doing to someone else what I feared.
And Ill be the first to say:thats fucked up.
We can do one of two things here: throw our hands up and yell,Shes a cheater!
Were done with her!or we can understand why it is that this happened.
My relationship with Brandon started at the same time my previous boyfriend left me.
I was in shambles.
Boyfriend number seven, Smith, and I talked about a future together.
We planned to move to Seattle the next year.
We talked about marriage.
I even looked past that one time Smith choked me during an argument.
And like a knight in rusty armor, Brandon swooped in to console me.
After several rocky months, Brandonofficiallybecame boyfriend number eight.
But what Brandon was working with was a somber, broken version of myself.
I was hurt by Smith and covering it up with Brandons affection.
In my sad state, my insecurities ran rampant.
In my heart, I knew I shouldnt be with Brandon.
I could never fully commit myself to this guy, mentally or emotionally.
I told myself that if someone better came along, I wouldnt hesitate to leave.
Again, fucked up.I know.
I didnt trust that Brandon wasnt cheating.
I was jealous of his female friends; I picked fights over his feelings for me.
Most nights, we ended on the sweet note of a horrible argument.
But I stayed because I thought the pain of being alone would hurt more than what we had.
That fear kept me in the relationship.
That fear caused me to get to the point where I could justify cheating.
On the night when my friend with benefits came over, I didnt question the reasoning for my actions.
I believed Brandon was most likely cheating on me.
I thought it wouldnt be a big deal if we didnt go beyond cuddling.
I did a lot of things I wouldnt have done if I truly cared for my boyfriend.
What I shouldve done is broken up with Brandon.
I shouldve started my journey of singledom much sooner.
I shouldve respected him simply because I made a promise, and hes a human being.
But I let my fear of being alone get the best of me.
I promised myself that I would never cheat on someone, and I did.
But it was the slap in the face I needed to realize that something was seriously wrong.
Not just with the relationship but with me.
I would ignore red flags.
Id prioritize their happiness over mine.
I even let emotional and physical abuse slide.
I lacked self-confidence.I sought validation for myself in the people I dated.
I believed that I was only worthy when I was wanted.
I clung to the meaning I created for their words.
My insecurities then seeped through into nit-picking my partners every action.
Theres no reason for someone else to be tangled in your emotional baggage you refuse to work on.
Thats exactly what I did to Brandon, and it wasnt right.
I also needed to learn how to be alone.
Its easy to excuse someone as a cheater, but harder to acknowledge the reasons behind their actions.
People walk around with the emotional baggage, unclaimed and unprocessed.
They get into relationships and ultimately hurt the other person.
And if we shame these people, this vicious cycle of hurt people hurting people will only continue.
Since then, Ive taken the time to reflect on that relationship.
I bit the bullet and admitted to myself that I fucked up.
Im not perfect, not even in relationships.
But if I wasnt willing to admit that, how could I ever expect to change?
I worked through messed up beliefs I held.
With a therapist, I uncovered why it was I didnt think I deserved a healthy relationship.
I dated so I didnt have to feel alone.
I dated so I could feel cared for.
Cheating is horrible and traumatic for the person involved.
But the underlying issues will never be fixed until were willing to look past the physical act.
Its everyones responsibility to check-in with themselves and realize how their traumas could be affecting their relationships.
Not just for their sake but for the other people involved too.
