Sometimes, I resent that my heart invests so deeply.
I’m upset that I can’t just walk away.
By
Updated 5 years ago,August 24, 2020
Having a messy heart is gross.
Its so full of blood and feelings and overanalyzing.
Full of questioning and crying and giving without reciprocation.Its being convinced youre somehow lacking.
A messy heart just drips all over the carpet.
It hangs out on sleeves that cant be rolled up.
It gets caught in the car door, making an even bigger mess.
Its an extra thing to think about, a thing to take care of.
Sam Burriss
She was grey with little white spots all over her belly.
I wondered her name.
The more optimistic side of me wondered if she had people looking for her.
If some family had been putting up LOST DOG signs all over.
If she ran so far, she didnt know which way was home.
If some asshole was driving and looking at his phone when she tried to cross the road.
Ive cried about all the scenarios.
Ive cried for her in general.
It would be easier to see roadkill and continue on without much pause.
Sometimes, I resent that my heart invests so deeply.
Im upset that I cant just walk away.
Having a messy heart means you stay up late remembering moments from an entire forever ago.
Its beating yourself up for not fixing everything.
Its searching for ways you could have made it right.
Its looking and looking and trying and trying and not really getting anywhere.
Its hard when you cant disconnect.
Its hard to be alive with a heart that hurts over everything.
But I know this is a strength.
I know this softness is a form of compassion.
I know these tears keep me open, keep me caring.
My messy heart bleeds with purpose.
My messy heart never gives up.
