Limerence is an involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation with another person.
But unlike requited love, it can have disastrous consequences.
She interviewed 500 people in the throes of an obsessive love, sometimes on an unhealthy level.
God & Man
Limerence isnt so much about commitment and intimacy as it is aboutobsession.
The lyrics to Jennifer Paiges infamous song, Crush comes to mind.Its just a little crush.
Not like I faint every time we touch.
Not like everything I do depends on you.
This is rooted in thebiochemical nature of love, which is very much likea drug addiction.
Dr. Helen Fisher discovered that the brains of people in love resemble the brains of cocaine addicts.
A person in limerence tends to look for clues that the other person reciprocates their feelings.
2.You find yourself lost in elaborate fantasies about his person, from the typical to the eccentric.
3.You experience physical symptoms when around them or interacting with them in any way.
This can range from cute to creepy and stalker-ish, so be very careful if youre experiencing this one.
5.You idealize them and put them on a pedestal.
Your whole day tends to revolve around them and interactions with them.
7.You feel a special and powerful connection to them, almost like a magnetic pull.
You believe they are your soulmate, even if you barely know each other.
8.Jealousy can occur even if the relationship is nonexistent.
You feel irrationally jealous of potential romantic suitors or competition for your desired mate, even if its imaginary.
Its almost as if you were detoxing from a drug.
11.You feel you cant live without them.
You experience an unbearable and overwhelming longing for their affection, attention and approval.
How Long Does Limerence Last?
Unlike love in a long-term relationship, limerence can be short-lived and fleeting, as well as one-sided.
It can be based on only a few interactions or stem from a relationship.
Limerence: An Example
Lauren met Graham at a mutual friends dinner party.
They locked eyes as soon as she entered the room.
Graham, the eternal charmer, crossed the room to serve her his usual pick-up lines.
Before long, they were talking and laughing for hours.
Although Lauren was having a good time with Graham, she hadnt intended to stay so long.
With hesitation, Lauren decided she would take a chance and give out her number.
Graham, on the other hand, had a very different perception of the same event.
To him, Lauren had left quite an impression.
She was strikingly beautiful, clever and witty everything he had ever been searching for in a woman.
She seemed a bit more reserved, yet still open and vulnerable.
He decided he would call her the very next day and ask her out to dinner.
To his dismay, his first attempt at calling her went to voicemail.
He waited anxiously for her response.
Finally, around midnight, Lauren told him that she could meet him the next day.
Graham couldnt believe his luck: he had finally met the woman of his dreams.
Eventually, she stopped answering his texts altogether.
He fantasized about each kiss they had and re-read her texts with an anxious sense of devotion.
Perhaps he would accidentally run into her at the gym where she took her yoga classes.
Maybe he would save her from a creepy dude at the bar near where she lived.
He even began fantasizing about rescuing her from dangerous situations and having her express her undying love for him.
His rich fantasy life surrounding Lauren even tempts him into engaging in stalker-like, pathological behavior.
Is There A Cure for Limerence?
We have a tendency to look at the online presence of someone and find out everything about them.
We fast-forward intimacy by uncovering everything we would normally come to discover gradually and organically.
Often we arent obsessed with this person, but rather what they mean to us.
Perhaps they represent a new beginning after a breakup or the fulfillment of deep unmet needs in childhood.
If the latter, seeing a therapist can help.
