It’s him texting you at 2 am.
It’s him saying he might make it.
The apathy in his touch when he dances with you.
Ieva Urenceva
Maybe is a painful memory.
And thank god you punched that wall enough, because, you got sick of emotional bloody knuckles.
By
Updated 7 years ago,July 24, 2018
Your twenties are advertised.
Spoken of as the best years of your life.
Youre young and wild and free.
Your whole life is just one long Levis commercial.
Stick and poke tattoos.
For most of my early twenties I wondered when the emotional tornado was going to start feeling good.
It didnt feel like the best time.
And if it was, what did I have to look forward to?
In reality though, your early twenties are the adult version of toddlerhood.
You are learning the mental versions of all the basic stuff.
Everything you learned as a baby, but now, in your mind.
Respecting yourself enough to not date guys who ask you to bring beer on your way to their parties.
Its a lot of basics.
And maybe people forget, just like they forget what being a kid was like.
Take me back, they say, I was young and carefree.
You wondered if long division was going to be the end of you.
You were worried about different stuff, but it felt just as big.
You were trying to talk and walk, and you were falling down, a lot.
It just feels like less now, because you have to go to work and pay bills.
But when you experienced childhood, there was sometimes stress, sometimes disappointment.
It was exactly the same, as far as I see it.
You were smaller and your problems were smaller, but to scale, it felt the same.
There is bass to their words, because they are older than you.
You say, I am young and I dont know.
You must know better.
I was worried it would imply I knew what was right, which I didnt and still dont.
But in my heart there were times I thought, wow these people have forgotten some things.
Times when I thought Hemingway was right, men dont grow wiser, just more careful.
Your early twenties isnt the fun romp it used to be.
Quite literally, 30 is the new 20.
I will, at 30, be the adult my parents were at 20.
Its no longer something you read in Cosmo.
Its hard facts true.
The truth is, your early twenties kinda suck.
Youre a teenager with a debit card and too many feelings.
Emotional toddler with a dead end job and gay thoughts that terrify you.
You learn that mom whyd you make the appointment so early?
was a terrible thing to say.
You learn how to be a roommate.
You learn that youre not gay, and your grandma would still talk to you if you were.
You learn that the fear of things is usually worse than the things themselves.
You learn that you’re able to pick friends, not just stay with whoever is around.
You learn to stop seeing anyone who doesnt definitely want to see you.
In those years, the maybes of mono men grow more and more exhausting.
Eventually you realize that you’ve got the option to just be alone.
It gets less scary, but more importantly, the alternative, the maybes, suck.
That their maybes are a lukewarm shower.
You learn the pain of lukewarm.
You learn that maybe hurts more than no.
you’re able to lean back, for the first time in your life.
That feeling youve had your whole life, where youre in a supermarket and you cant find your mom?
You never needed another person to fix that in you.
And the first half of your twenties, boy, do you try.
Stumbling around the dating scene going are you my mother?
Sometimes you find one guy whos doing the same thing.
Hes there in the supermarket.
Hes down to be your mother, if youll be his too.
Maybe you stick with him.
You guys barely do anything else.
You dont write, he doesnt pick up the guitar anymore.
He doesnt cook, he doesnt push to make partner, he doesnt interview.
That man is now gone.
You send out resumes half heartedly.
You cant remember the last thing you acted in, applied for, drew.
Neither of you see your friends very much.
No one does anything they want, but it feels good.
Some peoples early twenties codependent relationship turns into their marriage.
You tell each other that if after the work is done, maybe you guys can fix it.
If one day, youre both single, but youre independent, you might go back to it.
But not now, not like this.
So you break up.
You leave your haven.
But not everyone does that.
They usually eventually get bitter, because being each others supermarket moms is a full time job.
How convenient for two people who are scared to fail.
To never have to try.
The worst part is, neither person is even bad.
But complacency left untouched, becomes bitterness.
You wonder if its possible for your skin cells to just not wanna hang out together anymore.
Theyll just become apathetic and wander away from each other and youll disintegrate.
You wonder this and tell no one because you dont want them to think youre a crazy person.
Your arm moves to Bushwick.
None of them do.
you might be your own mom.
you could tell the kid its ok, moms right here.
you’ve got the option to stop looking for it in a man.
Somehow, somewhere in your late twenties, you start having Cher feelings about relationships.
The stuff shes said starts to feel true in a way it never has.
Now you dont wait for the text, because you know how much maybe hurts.
More than no, turns out.
You know this, finally, in a real way, because youve explored the other options.
Youve experientially learned what people always told you.
Its not just flat platitude advice anymore.
Its him texting you at 2 am.
Its him saying he might make it.
The apathy in his touch when he dances with you.
Maybe is a painful memory.
And thank god you punched that wall enough, because, you got sick of emotional bloody knuckles.
You realize if youre not gonna get a hot shower, youd rather be dirty.
