Maybe thats all it was.
Maybe I was silly for thinking it was more than that.
Hes left me on read and hes been online several times since.
God & Man
I tell myself I dont care.
I turn my phone on silent, put it face down on my bedside table and close my eyes.
But I still cant sleep.
I cant sleep until he replies.
And this is just the start of the minefield that I have come to learn modern dating is.
But they knew me first.
They knew how my sense of humor was based on sarcasm and a darkness only certain people could love.
I didnt need to worry about them rejecting me if I was to relax around them.
I didnt need to constantly hide the parts of myself I was worried were too much or not enough.
They knew them already, they accepted them already.
But with online dating, its a process of peeling back these layers.
And so I read into everything.
A way no one had ever looked at me before.
I think of how he understood my creativity because he too had suffered the journey himself.
Its 12am and Im thinking of him pressing his lips to mine.
I think about how it would feel to have his body against mine.
And he still hasnt replied.
Maybe the date wasnt as great as I thought.
Maybe thats all it was.
Maybe I was silly for thinking it was more than that.
Maybe I need to somehow learn how to remove the emotion from it.
Instead of believing everything needs to mean something.
Maybe it doesnt anymore.
Its 1am and my brain hurts.
Im telling myself its better this way.
My phone flashes with a message from him, as if he hasnt ignored me for five hours.
I tell myself I wont reply as Im tapping out a message to him.
I tell myself Ill tell him I cant do this.
I tell myself Ill ghost him.
Maybe I just need to be alone.
Maybe people with anxiety are just meant to be alone.
I reply and I fall asleep and I know the cycle will begin tomorrow.
All it takes is a delay in reply.
A message which feels different somehow.
It takes a slight change for me to latch on to it and convince myself everything is falling apart.
Because modern dating is hell if you have anxiety.
