We were happy, in love, and moving forward.
I remember having zero doubts about the world, or more importantlyabout us.
We went out to dinner, just like we always did.
cottonbro
We ordered the things, we always did, and things seemed as they always had.
We need to talk, he said.
My bones tingled, and my hands started shaking as they always do when I get nervous.
My body knew that this conversation was different, that it was our ending.
I knew that this is the part where he told me he didnt want to be with me.
This was the part where we break-up.
As he continued talking,he described our ending.
Our ending came in like an intense hurricane, with no warning.
He told mehe didnt really know whyhe had to end things, but that he had to end them.
My jaw dropped, and my eyes werent fast enough to catch up to what was happening.
I just sat there, completely stunned.
Truly my worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare wasnt a break-up.
My worst nightmare was a break-up that was happening suddenly, unexpectedly, and with no explanation.
Your brain starts to rack everything you could have done wrong, or what could have lead to this.
You start to think back to every memory, retracing your steps, to see where the stumbling came.
Youre left with no verdict on how to improve moving forward.
Someone leaves your life as quickly as they came in.
Moving on without closure is a bitch.
It is tiring trying to put pieces together when the reasoning isnt there.
Moving on without closure is such a bitch.
Its so difficult because you arent given a clean slate or something to put your feet on.
Youre getting the rug pulled out from under you.
It leads you to anxiety and depression.
It is nearly trauma.
Well, for me it has been.
If I could go back to myself at that moment, I would make myself speak up for answers.
I hope to give an explanation, and love even when an ending comes along.
I would demand the truth and know that I deserve even small sentences of understanding.
So heres to the night he ended things and the months of struggle in-between trying to find my way.
Heres to my mind rehearsing every conversation trying to make sense of things.
Heres to the never-ending cycle of the millions of possibilities as to why we broke up.
Because without closure,moving on is a fucking bitch.
