I need for anxiety not to control my entire life.
I need for myself to be stronger.
Ive never been great at dealing with change, even if its good change.
Brooke Cagle
Like this time last year when I got hired here at Thought Catalog.
My anxiety skyrocketed to an alarming rate, and I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
I dont understand it.
I love being in my own space.
I adore my all-white room and the way I can make my pillows look Pinterest perfect.
I love that instead of buying clothes now, I can buy cute fake plants on Amazon.
Brooke Cagle
And I know Im lucky.
It pops up when I dont expect it.
And I never fucking expect it.
It happened Sunday night when I was wall hopping and enjoying a frozen cocktail with my good friends.
All of a sudden it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
I felt an enormous lump in my throat because here it was again.
I knew I wasnt in any danger.
I knew I was safe and I wasnt literally dying, so I kept quiet.
I walked around a little bit to distract myself.
I coughed a lot to make a run at breathe better and blamed it on the spicy food.
I pretended I was fine.
And eventually, it went away.
Maybe it was the drinks or the love I felt from being with my friends.
But it went away after thirty minutes or so.
That feeling of doom.
That feeling of a lump.
I walked to a local coffeeshop to get out of the apartment, and I felt it again.
The air being knocked out of my stomach.
And the lump that made me want to bawl.
I know my anxiety will never go away.
I just dont want it to control me.
Maybe its just something I have to accept.
That with change and growing up, comes stress and worry and panic.
Maybe it will always be like this.
But if it is, I need to find a way to let it go.
To let it not distract me from my life and the people I love.
