I hate how quickly my good mood can be ruined.
By
Updated 6 years ago,March 12, 2019
I have a hard time holding onto happiness.
No matter how many attempts I make at practicing self-acceptance and self-care, it keeps slipping from my grasp.
Josh Hild
It should push me to appreciate my best days.
It should make my happy times even happier.
Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect.
I have a hard time coping with happiness because it feels like a trick.
Whenever something good happens to me, I will ruin it with hours of overthinking.
I will jump to the worst case scenario.
I will start a countdown clock, waiting for everything good to be taken away from me.
I am a pessimist at heart.
I assume my dark days will last longer than my light ones.
Happiness makes me suspicious.
It makes me wonder whether the universe is going to balance things out soon.
When Im in a good mood, I feel like its too good to be true.
I feel like something horrible is right around the corner.
Sometimes, Im right.
Some of the most thrilling moments of my life were followed by the worst ones.
My happiness is a fragile thing.
Im more accustomed to sadness.
Im comforted by the familiarity.
At least, more normal than smiling real smiles, than laughing real laughs.
I wish I was better at holding onto happiness.
I wish I didnt question every good thing that happened to me because it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I assume my friends hate me, so I distance myself from them and it ruins our relationship.
Even though Im more comfortable in my misery, Im not allowing myself to stay in such a state.
Im trying my hardest to take care of myself.
To keep my teeth brushed and hair combed and texts answered.
Im trying to pave a successful future for myself.
Im trying my best.
Maybe one day I will hold on for good.
