If I didn’t have anxiety, I’d have better self esteem.
I wouldn’t question my ability to write.
I wouldn’t question myself as a person.
Natalie Allen
I wouldn’t question my self worth and ability to love.
I would just be content with just me.
By
Updated 4 years ago,September 18, 2021
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
And Ive had it since third grade, without even realizing what was going on with me.
My journey with this mental illness has been a bumpy road, to say the very least.
I go through months without any symptoms, feeling carefree and happy.
Its a very scary and smart disorder.
It makes you think things you wouldnt normally think about.
Thoughts pop into your head and you cant make it stop.
Your heart races and you cant swallow any oxygen at all.
And no matter how many times it happens,its still just as scary for me.
If I didnt have anxiety, I would wake up every day with a clear head.
I wouldnt mindlessly go through my imaginary checklist, already overwhelmed about the day ahead of me.
I wouldnt have to worry about car crashes, about feeling claustrophobic, about getting freaked out over overstimulation.
If I didnt have anxiety, I could breathe.
With no sharp inhales.
With no pain in my chest.
With no real energy lost.
If I didnt have anxiety, Id be a more supportive friend and companion and daughter.
Id answer all the phone calls and texts.
I wouldnt cancel the plans that I was so looking forward to.
I wouldnt be misunderstood.
If I didnt have anxiety, Id have better self esteem.
I wouldnt question my ability to write.
I wouldnt question myself as a person.
I wouldnt question my self worth and ability to love.
I would just be content with just me.
If I didnt have anxiety, my brightest days would glow in the back of my mind for eternity.
I wouldnt have to walk around with a grey cloud following me around just waiting to pounce on me.
If I didnt have anxiety, I wouldnt be judged.
Be judged by people who dont understand.
Who dont understand that this is an illness.
Its a chemical imbalance in my brain that I cannot help.
I wouldnt have to defend myself over something that is out of my control.
I wouldnt be as resilient and as brave.
And I guess you could say, I wouldnt even be me.
