There is no peace in pain.
There is no fucking peace in pain.
By
Updated 6 years ago,March 13, 2019
We broke up.
Thought.is
I mean I guess we broke up.
We werent even dating.
We were together for almost eight months but ended things.
And honestly, that shit hurt more than a boyfriend-girlfriend break up.
At first, he and I were becoming very distance.
No, let me rephrase.
Distant is the wrong word.
I was still with him every day and everything felt so right, but something felt lost.
How could his body be so close, yet his heart so far away?
I began to feel empty.
A storm on the horizon.
I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something awful was about to happen.
Something awful, yet inevitable.
And I felt so helpless.
He knows how much I love him.
Me restating this meaningful statement of passion would only add mere minutes to the clock.
And I didnt want to add minutes, I wanted to add a lifetime.
I still want to add a lifetime.
Love is something that never fades away.
It is an intangible feeling of foreverness.
In this state of helplessness, I just thought to myself repeatedly- why cant love keep us together?
And as my feeling of emptiness continue to linger, my brain spiraled out of control.
I began to question everyone and everything.
As I sat across from him at a glass table.
I focused on the reflective lighting on the marble floor.
I directed my attention to anything but his eyes.
Though my mind wanted to interrogate him, part of me wanted to accept this heartbreak.
I thought that if I accepted the pain and the trauma, I would gradually find peace.
If I found my answers.
I would still be broken.
So I sat in silence.
I felt temporary paralyzed.
What was I supposed to say?
I could say that I will always love you.
I could say that I dont want this to happen.
I could say that I need you.
I need you to live and breath.
I need you to be happy and I need you by my side.
But, would this change anything?
I wasnt sure.
I am a firm believer that if you love someone you should let them go.
If you love someone you let them free, you let them find who they are.
You let them find self-love and discover their role in this crazy world.
If he is not ready to be with you.
You let him be free until he is ready.
It will forever hurt.
A part of you will always be broken.
That is love.
I will forever put your happiness first.
I will forever feel broken while you find yourself.
And I will struggle.
But, these obstacles do not define my strength.
I was still sitting in silence, staring at the marble floor.
Maybe it was the past.
Maybe it was the future.
Or maybe it was the present.
Maybe I needed to miss you.
Maybe I needed to appreciate you in a way I never did before.
Or maybe I needed you to hold me and tell me its going to be okay.
Maybe it was a mistake.
Maybe this would be the biggest mistake of our lives.
Or maybe this is all just apart of the story.
This isnt your typical girlfriend-boyfriend breakup.
How do you.How do I.Continue to go throughout the day pretending like life is normal?
Plot twist: the pain will never fade.
You never accept this.
You will continue to question everything.
You will blame yourself.
There is no specific coping process.
There is nothing you’re able to do to ease the pain.
The best advice I can give you right now: pour yourself a glass of wine.
Youre going to need it.
Take the bottle and run.
